I’d probably start exercising if it didn’t require moving around so much.
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i remember when i was like 19 i met sza and i told her ctrl got me through a break up and then she goes “aww babe that makes me so happy. how are you now?” and i go “back with him” and she said nothing and we just sat in silence.
I think we’ve officially regressed back to medieval peasants. All we do is bake bread, revolt, and avoid plagues
1st toddler: Here is a book you can look at.
2nd toddler: Here is a toy you can play with.
3rd toddler: Here is something you can break.
I don’t like to brag about my cat-like reflexes.
That said, could someone please call for help?
I got startled and am stuck in a tree.
It is estimated that, on average, American children spend nearly 40% of their waking hours Not Gaming. That number is even worse among marginalized communities. I refuse to accept this in the richest country in the world.
It’s kinda neat how every chick you reply to is into celibacy
No one is shocked when a defibrillator doesn’t work.
One tricky thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
me: *taking off shirt* YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME???
dermatologist: once again, it’s called a biopsy
Most people don’t know this, but “Piano Man” by Billy Joel is about a man bitten by a radioactive piano.
birthday cake is the only thing that someone can blow and spit on, yet, everybody wants a slice?
As a former member of the Leopards Eating People’s Faces party until it became extremist, I can tell you that the Let’s Not Eat Anyone’s Face party will get nowhere unless it elects a candidate who wants leopards to eat *some* people’s faces.
[speed dating]
date: what’s your biggest turn on?
me: wind turbines
date: ah i’m not a big fan
me: next
my ancestors, who hunted and foraged for whatever food they could get, watching me have anxiety when I’m reading a menu:
clark, the office penguin, raised his fin and voted “no” on implementing a “casual friday”.
I’m the opposite of clingy, I’m spacious.
Anyone have a recipe for chocolate covered strawberries?
Anyone can be a hero:
Make a child smile
Rescue a kitten from a tree
Reverse Earth’s rotation to prevent an earthquake from killing your girlfriend
SATAN: welcome to hell
ME: thanks
SATAN: it says here that you were sent down by heaven for *squints at piece of paper* updog. What’s updog?
ME: JUST OWNING THE PRINCE OF DORKNESS WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
*jesus appears and high fives me*
I could tell by her screams this was not the kind of friendship that included showers.
ME: all of these expired do you have any newer ones
CORONER: no
I’m always disappointed when I get an “animal detected” alert from my security system and it’s a mosquito on the lense and not a sasquatch in my back yard.
You never really know how many inches you’re gonna get or how long it’ll last.
Snow, maybe.
My former co-worker’s neighbor’s cousin
Facebook: “You may know this person. Add friend?”
I bought silk pyjamas to go with our new silk sheets. I jumped into bed and woke up in my neighbour’s flower bed
POTATO MAGICIAN: is this your carb
The last 23,000 tweets were sent by my dog and bad decisions.
Instagram better not use my cloud pics. THEY’RE MY CLOUDS GET YOUR OWN CLOUDS ZUCKERBERG!
If my 5yos are holding something when I buckle them into their car seats, there’s a 150% chance they’ll hit me in the face with it.