ME: I can understand why, it’s so silky and luxurious.
THEM: Huh? I said I worship Satan.
ME: Oh. I thought you said “satin.”
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KATY PERRY: 🎶 baby you’re a fiiiiirework
KATY PERRY’S DOG: I hate this song
Parenting is groaning when you have to watch the same movie for the 300th time, but also mad when the kid interrupts the movie because you’re actually watching it
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
[shopping]
May I help you find something?
“Where are the giants?“
What?
“Your sign outside says there’s a giant sale.“
When people ask me how old I am, I always say 45.
They all think I look AMAZING for my age.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: I turn everyone into a character from the movie Grease
professor x: tell me more, tell me more
At a business meeting:
“How about SuperCupid?”
“No, expectations will be too high”
“GreatCupid?”
“Lower”
“Uhhh, OKCupid?”
“Brilliant”
The Turkey took our temperature before he would come out of the oven!!!
Doctor: I’m afraid you’ve got chronic updog
Me, embarrassed that I don’t know what the word chronic means: ah well, you win some you lose some
Me: I want to come back as ghost and haunt you.
Her: Oh no.
Me: I’ll make weird noises in the night.
Her: You already do that.
The occupations on ‘The Bachelorette’ are getting out of hand.
The expression “you catch more bees with honey” also could imply that you may get stung by said bees.
I’m completely over my ex, is the name of my poem to her
Her: Let’s play doctor.
Me: Ok. That’ll be $500.
Eh wah eh wah eh wah eh wah joget joget joget joget joget gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek lembek lembek lembek embek lembek lembek
Walking around the house looking for my coffee that’s already in my hand doesn’t mean I’m losing my mind.
It means I’m a parent.
Him: It’s over. You’re too immature.
Me: [with 2 Pringles in my mouth pretending I’m a duck] Quack?
9 yo: Mom, please don’t put cheese in my lunch today.
Me: Too late. Havarti packed it.
9 yo: MOM
Me: HAIL SATAN!!
Her: What?
Me: I mean, your sister is on the phone.
The meat served in IKEA’s restaurant is made of people who couldn’t find the way out.
My biggest weakness has been that I get attached very quickly.
~Superglue, probably..
Ppl who are on Twitter and put intelligent in their bio, good one.
[job interview]
“So what are your goals for working here?”
To be home by 5
No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
Should I call tech support or pray or what
Aquafina is Spanish for “tap water in a plastic bottle”
I want to apologize for the awful true things I said when I was angry.
[asking a girl out on a date]
her: ok but only if you stop crying
I almost hit a deer tonight. But then he took back what he said about my mom and we hugged it out.
Back to having zero haters, feels good.