ME: I can understand why, it’s so silky and luxurious.
THEM: Huh? I said I worship Satan.
ME: Oh. I thought you said “satin.”
You Might Also Like
Peanuts are legumes
Cocoa is a fruit
Sugar is a beetConclusion: Snickers is a salad
(at the pearly gates)
St. Peter: Say “worchestershire”
Me: Oh God I knew it
DOCTOR: We were all out of blood for your transfusion so we used Mountain Dew
ME: [I don’t hear bc I already snowboarded out the window]
Very few people will notice the possum in this picture because they’re so good at hiding
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas.
“Is there a genius in the house?! It’s an emergency!”
*I start to get up from table*
*wife discretely stops me*
*I silently agree with wife*
i can promise you i will never love anyone enough to ride a tandem bike with them
*grandma climbs into time machine*
*shuts the door behind her*
MOM NANA IS STUCK IN THE GRANDFATHER CLOCK AGAIN
“Ladies, calm down. Girlfriend, wife, whatever. The important thing is that between the 2 of you, you brought enough to post my bail”
6, pointing at her brother, crying:
He doesn’t want to play Barbies with me!
Me: None of us do.
[lying on the couch, one leg hanging off the side, face and shoulder smashed against the arm, other leg and one of my hands completely asleep] well as long as the cat is comfortable
*lying in bed*
*drops chip down cleavage*
*thinks, I’m so tired, leave it
*also, mmmmm, breakfast*
Saw a TV at the dumpster with a sign that said ‘free TV’ and boy do I feel stupid, I paid $200 for the last TV sitting at a dumpster
What if your beverage could lightly choke you? Try boba! Yes, boba. Combining refreshment and near death experience since 1980.
Negotiator: I need proof of life.
Kidnapper: *motions phone to me* They want confirmation you’re alive.
Me: *sighs* Does it count if I’m dead inside?
Negotiator: Um, this is really embarrassing, but the family changes their mind. Good luck.
My 9-year-old said I looked tired today and apparently becoming my mother has skipped a generation.
Don’t act like you miss sex now, you weren’t getting laid before either.
Child just ran by screaming WHERE’S THE PLUNGER GET TOWELS LOTS OF TOWELS so anyway how is your day going?
I was caught in a nuclear reactor with a jar of spiders in my pocket, so now I’m half man, half jar.
“god has a plan for you” ok well i have some notes for him
I have a client that speaks French so I like to call him on the phone so I can say Bonjour! and then listen to him say probably very important things I don’t understand but it sounds amazing.
Chamomile tea makes chamomile pee.
I just know I will die trying to pet something I shouldn’t.
When a girl tells u about her favorite animal – “I’d eat one” is not the right response.
Commas make a big difference. For example “Don’t eat that, grandpa” has a very different meaning than “,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,”
Moses had the first tablet with cloud connectivity.
I needed a laugh this morning.
Jesus watching Shrek: They really should call this Donkey.
*Rubs lamp*
*Nothing happens*
Where’s the genie?
*Takes off lampshade*
What’s wrong with this thing?
Wearing a seashell necklace is a great way to let everyone know how cool you were in 1996.