ME: I can understand why, it’s so silky and luxurious.
THEM: Huh? I said I worship Satan.
ME: Oh. I thought you said “satin.”
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Psychology says:
People will believe everything written after “psychology says.”
My family keeps leaving the door open- what type of exterminator handles flies, mosquitoes, and houseguests?
The easiest way to confuse a man is to wear a straight jacket that accentuates your cleavage.
New neighbor: Hi, I’m Sara.
(recalling the 47 Sarah’s already in my life)
Me: I’m sorry, this isn’t going to work out.
i just want world peace. and pop tarts to be fully frosted.
i’m at the bar pushing pint glasses off the edge like a cat until the bartender sprays me with a water bottle
Wife: How is he?
Doctor: To be honest, he’s like a fish out of water
Wife: He’s in unfamiliar surroundings?
Doctor *pushes glasses up nose* he’s dead
You’re supposed to be Norwegian! I angrily whisper at my freezing hands that won’t stop shaking so I can drink my coffee.
Captcha: Click on every photo of a real tunnel
Wile E Coyote: oh no
Every relationship needs boundaries…
….mine are set at 500 feet according to the paperwork.
*sees a hot girl on the train*
“ay gurl check this out”
*i try to seductively eat a banana but i miss my mouth & smush it into my forehead*
Daughter: You’re invading my personal space
Mom: You came out of my personal space
My wife just got the bar tab and yelled “Oh my god.” That can’t be good.
Worst part of my old job was drug screenings. Had to tell a guy he was pregnant. Lesson: don’t use your girlfriend’s urine for testing.
A frittata is just an omelette for people too lazy to flip things.
[job interview]
BOSS: biggest weakness?
ME: I never know when to quit
BOSS: that’s ok, ur hired
ME: I quit
Bacon: Toast, great tan!
Eggs: Ham, you smell good!
Ham: Thank you Eggs, you too!
Toast: Bacon, you’re awesome bro!
-complementary breakfast
I’m closing my pizza parlor. The Board of Health revoked my slicense.
wife: Why did you drink all the rum?
me: I lost the cap
When Prince Adam called upon the power of Greyskull and turned into He-Man, it didn’t make him bigger or stronger it just made him more naked
4yo: When you’re 9, you can drive
Me: Pretty sure you have to be older
4yo: Some people can drive at 9
Me: A little older
4yo: Ya, it’s 9
me: take your age
wife: ok
me: add 2 to it
wife: yay, magic, okay, what’s next
me:
.
.
me: that’s not your age
wife: why are you ?
Women with horses are rich versions of cat ladies.
So we agree when the zombies come we feed em the teenagers first, right?
*on blind date*
Her: you wore pajama pants on a first date?
Me: wtf? I thought you were blind!
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
[Sunday]
God: Finally a day of rest. I could really use a chicken sandwich and a milkshake.
*walks up to Chick-fil-A*
OH COME ON!!
Turned on some old school rap because I’m the cool dad.
Then I turned it right off because OMG did you know what they were saying?
My son and I spent an hour debating whether werewolves have opposable thumbs in case you’re wondering who the great modern philosophers are.
I confused girdle and wordle, and now I can’t spell for crap but my waistline looks fabulous