“Your guy is late.”
“It’s only been five minutes, chill.”
“Something doesn’t feel right.”
“Everything’s fine, Dave.”
“You sure this is the spot?”
“Yes.”
“And you know this guy is cool?”
“Yes, just relax.”
“Don’t give him the money until-”
“Until I see the kibble, yes I know.”
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i love reading medieval census documents because what’s carl doing in there
still burning off that Cinnabon i ate in 1997
A lady at the apple orchard disco the other night asked if I was born a man or a woman and I, drunk, beckoned her close to whisper and then hollered I WAS BORN A BABY into her ear
I no longer need Google.
I have a 22 year old in college.
“How about I throw in some IKEA furniture?” I say, to Sweden the deal.
*lights low
*her fingers tracing a scar on my arm
Her: How’d you get this?
Me: *softly I whisper* Are you familiar with Scrapbooking?
My knight in shining armor comes in liquid form.
I’ve been learning to cook.
The temperature went from 90 to 55 like it saw a state trooper
Whoever named the ring tone was phoning it in.
Funny how the more time we spend at home, the more we look like homeless people.
I did laundry for 7 miles according to my Fitbit that I accidentally washed and dried.
I definitely have more respect for teachers after homeschooling for the past few weeks. On the other hand, I should probably figure out whose kid this is. Anybody missing a math prodigy with a runny nose?
[after getting pulled over]
cop: are you registered
me: i don’t vote
cop: i meant the car
me: no it doesn’t vote either
You don’t need a therapist.
A five year old will tell you everything that’s wrong with you for free.
Me: I want cozy pajama pants for Christmas.
Him: I was gonna get lingerie.
Me: Trust me. VS won’t have your size.
Him:
Me: *jazz hands*
My wife just sighed from the other room, which can only mean one of 1,850 things.
Three tips to stay young looking: drink water, wear sunscreen every day, remember every personal slight
People buying plungers never look happy.
In the 1990’s we didn’t have Uber, so we just hitched a ride with a stranger that didn’t look like a serial killer.
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
According to WebMD, given my symptoms, I died 9 years ago.
My signature move is being a complete idiot trying to convince someone that I’m not drink.
Drank.
Drunk.
Interviewer: and finally, why do you want to become a police officer.
Me: [thinking of all the awesome parties i’ll finally get called to] help the community obviously
COP: u were swerving a lot so i have to conduct a sobriety test
ME: ok
COP: lets get taco bell
ME: no
COP: text ur ex
ME: no
COP: ok ur good
You can be rough with me – the healthcare is free. #MakeCanadaSexier
[me, being murdered] agree to disagree
Whatever, Usain Bolt. I’ve been finishing in under 10 seconds for years.
do mermaids get waxed or descaled
my dog asks for more food by throwing her bowl against a wall, sleeps all day on top of the heat register, and gets treats every time she gets anxious…how do i sign up for this?