I go to the bank wearing a Ski mask because I want everyone to know how athletic I am.
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Love the deli paper on the doctor’s table. Mmm I’m a sick little sandwich
*group chat*
Fellas, I think it’s time. I think I’m finally ready to be a dad.
[Tamagotchi has requested to join the chat]
Feeling sad? Donuts.
Feeling blah? Donuts.
Feeling upset? Donuts.
Feeling that your husband may be Facebook cheating on you with his skanky old high school girlfriend Brenda? Lots and lots and lots of donuts.
[Dinner with GFs parents]
*Does shadow puppet of a bird*
“Thats great but I asked what you do for a living?”
Um *smooths tie* I’m unemployed
britain’s three elite institutions
[walking on beach]
[find bottle with message in it]
Message: IS YOUR FRIDGE RUNNING?
[another bottle with message washes against my feet]
Get married and have kids so you can spend your Saturday going apple picking instead of doing LITERALLY ANYTHING ELSE.
it must be school picture day
Just learnt how a cat yowls on heat. So glad we as humans don’t do it the same way
I think that at least twice a week it should be acceptable to fall asleep with your clothes on and change to your pj’s to go to work
*wakes up early on weekend
*makes 12 pancakes
*wakes kids up“Daddy, can we have waffles today???”
*eats 12 pancakes
ASSISTANT: People are worried you won’t do all the things you promised.
TRUMP: I’ll just blame someone else.
ASSISTANT: Like who?
TRUMP:
me: yeah, i’m into fitness…fitness this whole pizza in my mouth.
executioner: did you plan your last meal around this?
So I have one coworker who uses “irregardless” and another who uses “unappropriate” and now I’m over trying to conversate with these people.
This is a really bad idea. When do we start?
My salad is dry.
That’s a problem that needs a dressing.
I set the automatic reply on my work email to “I don’t negotiate with terrorists.”
Now we wait.
Wife: You’re lost.
Me: No. This is exactly where we are suppose to park.
Me: *on the TV show “House Hunters”* There’s a house. And there’s one. Ok there’s like 5 right next to each other.
[first day in the mob]
*leans over to mafioso* Hey, so, uhh, I’ve always wondered: are they all just named “Don” or…
Sorry I yelled “chug it” to your baby, as you were breastfeeding.
My wife didn’t tell me I was on speakerphone and now her coworker smelly Kelly knows we call her smelly Kelly.
If someone says they’d “Like a word with you,” I can guarantee it’s way more than one word and you’re not going to like any of them.
[blind date gets in car]
Okay, I wanna have dinner early so we can go to Petco & watch ’em feed the snakes. Unless you wanna do Petco first.
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
Can’t believe I have to spend the rest of my life living the rest of my life
security at the airport getting more straightforward
Not to brag but I can keep up with the fast part of the chicken dance…
Lawns are weird. Let’s grow 7000 of the same thing and nothing else.