Are black guys the ones with big dicks?
Because if so, I think I might be a black guy.
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Me: OMG I love this song
Radio: should I play it again
Me: okay
Radio: fifteen times
Me: wait
Radio: every hour
Me: no
Radio: for the next six months
STEWARDESS: Does anyone know how to defuse a bomb?
PERSON WHO DOESN’T FLINCH OPENING A CAN OF CRESCENT ROLLS: Right here.
Maybe if we all tell the virus we need to talk, it’ll break up with us first.
Having three kids taught me that I’m capable of so much more than I ever thought. For example, I can ignore all three kids at once.
My hobbies include but are not limited to getting drunk and commenting “LOL” on relationship statuses on Facebook.
Negative pregnancy tests, because everyone loves good news on a stick
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because I want to start crying slowly today
Psychic: *rubbing temples* You want to know if your wife’s trying to murder you
Me: How’d you know?
P: *sees knife in my back* I’m good
Anybody want to buy some exercise equipment? I’m having a going-out-of-fitness sale.
When my boss asks me if I can “take a stab at this”, I always hope she’ll point to that coworker we all hate.
*pointing at a mothers shrieking baby* is this guy bothering you?
[6 PM]
Tween:
[7 PM]
Tween:
[8 PM]
Tween:
[9 PM]
Tween: I need a poster board for school tomorrow.
Lawyer: Just be confident in there and they’ll believe you
Me: Got it[Later]
Judge: Did you kill him?
Me *confidently* yes
I left my kid in daycare an extra half hour so I could eat Doritos without sharing and I have absolutely no regrets about this
ME: [knocks on neighbors door] I think I ran over your cat.
NEIGHBOR: What did the cat look like?
ME: *making face like I’m screaming* Like that.
I farted alone in a room and then my girlfriend’s dad came in. Now I have to pretend like something is dead in the walls and help him look.
Forgot the word “peel” when talking about a fruit and said “I skin the kiwi…” instead.
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a carburetor?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patri- oh
my brother: grandma’s funeral is going to be closed casket
me: oh no
my brother: are you sad you won’t be able to see her one last time
me: no, it’s because this was going to be my only chance to pry her blueberry pie recipe from her cold, dead hands
Just accidentally swallowed some Listerine. Expecting a minty fresh poop in the near future.
[trying to climb out of beanbag chair] Divorce?
Flight attendant: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: What kind of gravy do you have?
“How much to hire a church singing group?”
“You mean a choir?”
“Fine, how much to acquire a church singing group?”
If my 5yo’s teacher can’t read the Thank You card he writes, that’s on her.
yelling “you’re not my real dad” is a faux pas
When someone compliments me on here, my gut reaction is to say, “YEAH OKAY AND WHAT IF I’M A CATFISH?!”
…I am not a catfish.
Why am I like this?
[dollar tree]
CASHIER: i’m sorry sir but we don’t actually sell trees that grow dollars
ME: get me the manager
Me: Goodnight, see you in the morning
3: Goodnight, see you in a minute
If laziness was an Olympic sport, I’d probably come in fourth so I wouldn’t need to walk up to the podium.
Apparently my son “looks like daddy” when he’s wearing half of his food