*pointing at a mothers shrieking baby* is this guy bothering you?
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You’ve heard of Christ on a cracker, now get ready for Beelzebub on a biscuit
Ryan Reynolds is my cousin
~ me flirting
~ also me lying
A rap battle but it’s just Keanu Reeves saying “Whoa” versus Owen Wilson saying “Wow.”
The Church used to teach that all babies that die go to Limbo, but it was easy for them because they’re so short.
wife: i wish you’d moan during sex
[later, whilst doing the sex]
me: i wish i was eating a grilled cheese
[Police station]
Me: “Not sure what why you guys arrested me. I guess I just have one of those faces. Huh.”
Cop: “That’s right buddy, and if we don’t get it back to the transplant center by noon, they won’t be able to operate. So hand it over, capiche?”
Reasons I put my kids to bed on time:
3) They need their rest.
2) Routine is important.
1) “Game of Thrones” is on.
I just accidentally read “Federal” as “Feral” and it made zero difference to the article.
a girl took a grilled cheese out of her purse and threw it across the street like a frisbee to me i never thought i’d be able to love again
Husband: Wouldn’t it be easier to buy a larger size jeans?
Me: (on roof) Just hold out my skinny jeans for me to jump into like we planned!
weird to have so little faith in humanity nowadays that a guy could be hurling Molotov cocktails at me from his car and I’d be ok with it if he’s using his turn signals
Drop a house on me, so I know it’s real
that kind of tired where you wanna tell people who sneeze repeatedly to quit celebrating their allergies so loud
Remembered there were pudding cups in the fridge, so I walked faster than usual to the kitchen and now I know what a “runner’s high” is.
Just did the math and found out I can retire next year if I start saving $144,468.02 a month.
[inventing the pelican]
god: ok so we ran out of beaks but i found this traffic cone
My gf 1 month in: haha OMG I love your Twitter. I definitely don’t think it’s weird, it’s so clever!
My gf 2nd month: listen
Megan, but with an H? Whatever you say, girls named Hmegan.
Always surround yourself with people who are successful, because people who are successful always have money to bail you out jail
Him: Your profile said you were Catholic.
Her: *apartment filled with cats* Maybe you read it too fast.
The Passion of the Christ 2: Jesus in Space
He conquered the sins of the world, but can he conquer the sins of the galaxy?
You know you’re a mom when you need deep, calming breaths because he’s eating two hot pockets, 10 minutes before dinner.
Home is where the tap water doesn’t taste funny.
[date]
Her: I’m a chiropractor
Me: *under breath* whoa I thought they were extinct
[pulled over]
COP: Did you know you were speeding?
ME: I didn’t even know I was driving
COP: Out
Do nudists have anxiety dreams where they show up to events clothed?
The coconut is very versatile. It can be eaten or be used to make a radio.
Toddler *at 8 AM*: Mom, I had zero candy today
Me: Is this a statement of complaint or achievement?
I guess when I thought that I would catch up on tv shows while recovering from surgery I forgot that my kids still live here
Instead of a vasectomy they should have just called it a spermaban.