handsome & gretel
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[lightbulb store]
owner: “what watt can i get you?”
me:
owner:
me:
owner: “did i stutter?”
me: “i dont know”
NURSE: *bursts into break room* A man just came to the ER with a broken bone thru his skin!
DR DOG: *looks at other Drs* I’ll take this one
13YO: Why’s he happy? He got dog-piled.
Me: He made a lot of groundage before getting put down.
Husband: Yardage. Tackled. PLEASE LEAVE.
The guy in the stall beside doesn’t know he can shut off his camera shutter…..
HARPER LEE: I don’t know what to call my novel
MOCKING BIRD: It’s probably garbage anyway
HARPER LEE [picking up a gun] ok I have one idea
Crashed my car reading a billboard that said “don’t text and drive”
There are zero recorded incidents
of mountain lions attacking
someone running
to the fridge for a snack.
Cop: You’re wanted for murder
Me: Ok. Who do you want me to kill?
Cop: What?
Me: Huh?
I went on a walk today through a hiking trail. And I can’t be certain, but I think nature touched me. It was gross.
It’s like my cat doesn’t even appreciate it when I take the time to rake his litter box like a Zen Garden.
Evil villain: I’ve been expecting you.
*Swivels around in swivel chair*
*Superhero runs over & spins chair faster*
Evil villian: WEEEEE!
Don’t bother putting your hand over my mouth to shut me up, I will lick you.
My favourite part of the Bible is the hollowed-out section I keep my drugs in.
I buried a time capsule when I was 9. This is the year we are going to dig it up.
I can’t wait to see how big my puppy got.
I’m pregnant, during the holidays, during a never-ending pandemic. The next medical professional who makes me step on the scale better be prepared with some tissues and a sugar free lollipop to cheer me up.
Mechanic *looks up* Wow, you have a lot of problems, so much is wrong
Me: I know!
Mechanic: Your car’s fine though
Me: ok cool
I once planned a trip around Australia using a dial-up computer that took longer than the trip itself
“Did you get a haircut?”
“No, I dyed the tips of my hair invisible…”
I wear a French maid’s outfit specifically to get OUT of doing housework.
Sometimes even letting your kids watch age-appropriate shows is a big mistake. Showed my kids The Flintstones, and my youngest asked what it was like living with a dinosaur. My 5-year-old pointed at the Flintmobile and said, “is that why your feet look like that?”
I gave my cat a middle name today, so she knows when she is really in trouble.
Ann: I wanna break up
Ed: why?
A: you use time travel to manipulate me
E: when, exactly, did you start to suspect this?
A: well… Hey!
I’m starting to think that the Facebook status update I liked has had absolutely no influence on Government policy at all …
I sometimes wonder how they decided what animals made the cut in the animal crackers.. who thought leaving out raccoons was a good call?
I’m only watching this show to see if anyone knocks over that poorly placed houseplant.
Extra virgin olive oil is just olive oil who got dating advice from me.
King: and you’re sure ALL the horses are helping, right?
King’s man: [watching a dozen horses smash eggshells into dust with their hooves] define helping
People often talk about having the devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other. For me it’s more like Spock and Homer Simpson.
People acting all happy and energized first thing in the morning 🙄 chill out. You aren’t a teletubby.
gotta say, i love living by the sword. i hope there are no consequences from this regarding how i ultimately die