Mirror, mirror on the wall
Why so many fingerprints?
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Mom Holds Knife To Throat Of Dinner Guest Who Offered To Help With Dishes
My parents are still threatening to put me up for adoption.
Those magical three words you’ve been waiting so long to hear. Red, or white?
[me narrating a documentary about narrators]
“I can’t hear what they’re saying cuz I’m talking”
[at the aquarium]
Son [pointing at a large tank]:
daddy what’s that
Me: tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
Son: daddy why is the sky blue?
Me: it’s probably sad that people ask questions that they could have just googled
I was at a Hanukkah party at my uncle’s house and one of my cousins was like, “hey look it’s bitcoin” and held up a piece of gelt that he’d taken a bite out of
Wife: I can’t sleep at your parent’s house. This weird noise keeps me up
Me: Does it sound like a dumpster full of expired mayonnaise being dragged across a gymnasium floor?
W: Oddly specific but yes
Me: Yeah that’s my dad snoring. Sorry
The expression “you catch more bees with honey” also could imply that you may get stung by said bees.
*Passive-aggressively skips through your selfies and only likes pics of your dog*
spinach is nowhere near as delicious as Popeye led us to believe
“Doesn’t it feel good to Payless?” no, i want to be rich & shop at good stores
I’d get up off the couch today but Newton’s first law of motion says bodies at rest remain at rest and who am I to argue with physics
If you’ve already seen a couple of chickens break up a couple of rabbits fighting today then just keep on scrolling…
If Frodo heads towards Mordor at 5 km/h and Aragorn heads towards Mordor at 7 km/h, how long until my friends come back?
Plans < cancelled plan < no plans < no plans, but knowing people totally want to hang out with you
He told me I was too pretty not to smile.
So I flipped him off, tackled him and shoved my middle finger up his nose.
Now I’m smiling.
Prevent future fights among your children by not owning any nice things.
your dad isn’t a dad yet until he stands in your living room for 15 minutes straight (instead of leaving) saying “this movie is so stupid” while you’re watching Mamma Mia
hey man i’m really worried about you.. your mum said you haven’t been looking after your gutbiome ?
Life is a balance as you age. You lose hair, hearing and keen eyesight but you gain insight, experience and a lot of weight. Bad trade.
‘Your place or mine?’
Is the sexiest response to the question:
‘Where shall we bury the body?’
I just went to church and had communion. Ok it was a gas station and I had 2 donuts but I did say a prayer before scratching my lotto ticket
I jammed the laundry room door and now I can’t get in there and WHY DIDN’T I THINK OF DOING THIS SOONER?!
[inventing the boomerang]
OH SHIT, IT’S BACK
“Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression?”
“Go on then”
“NOT THE KRYPTONITE!”
“That’s Superman”
“Thanks, I’ve been practicing.”
My tweets use many of the same letters as Shakespeare.
Turns out I wasn’t in narnia, I was in my dishwasher high on bath salts
REAL LIFE JUNGLE BOOK
Chapter 1, Page 1:So Mowgli gets straight up eaten, like, right the heck away.
PREACHER: any prayer requests?
3 DUCKS IN A TRENCHCOAT (from the last pew): do the one about our daily bread