Wife: I can’t sleep at your parent’s house. This weird noise keeps me up
Me: Does it sound like a dumpster full of expired mayonnaise being dragged across a gymnasium floor?
W: Oddly specific but yes
Me: Yeah that’s my dad snoring. Sorry
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Fitbits are just Tamagotchi except the stupid animal ur trying to keep alive is u
Hi, I’m Suki. And I just turned the volume down because it was getting too cold in my car.
i wonder how many time-travelers accidemtaly went back in time instead of forward but then saw a knight & thought “wow look at this robot!!”
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
Me: Everyone! We’re having a baby!!
Them: What is it?
Me: I literally. Just. Said.
watching the kids play hide and seek in the park and mine just hid behind a chain link fence
at least we don’t have to save for college
People who put a strip of bacon on a donut, where does it end? You wanna put a braised lambshank on my cupcake? Why don’t I open up my chocolate croissant and you can shove a live trout in it
It’s terribly sad, but the fact that the graphic had to be added is due to the shockingly low literacy rate among geese.
Whenever a guy peeps into my phone, I open the front cam and take a selfie with him.
Remodel Shows: “Transform your fire escape into the perfect home office.”
My back hurts too much to lean over anymore, going to have to resort to picking things up with a deep curtsy.
Doctor: Step on the scale.
Me, 1st pregnancy: With or without my shoes?
Me, 2nd pregnancy: With or without the jacket?
Me, 3rd pregnancy: With or without the rotisserie chicken?
Daylight saving? I’m ready for daylight spending
[1st moon landing]
Mission Ctrl: Be sure to say something important & profound
Neil: Ok
*steps onto moon*
Neil: *clears throat* I’m a vegan
Whenever my dachshund acts up I show him a pack of hotdogs in my fridge and he falls right back into line
genie: you have three wishes
me: end the pandemic
genie: [snaps fingers] done
me: get me a good job
genie: there’s too many gaps in your work history
me: i wish to own a home
genie: dude come on
*cop frisking me*
Cop: “theres nothin in your pockets that will poke me, right?”
Uh, no
Cop: “OW!”
*baby porcupine jumps out*
RUN POKEY, RUN
“So your new carol is just eight verses of you demanding figgy pudding with increasing hostility.”
“That’s right.”
“And it’s called We Wish You A Merry Christmas?”
“Yes”
“Buts it not really about Christmas is it? It’s mostly about figgy—“
“—figgy pudding yeah.”
This old lady in the grocery store was just giving me the weirdest looks and the worst piggy back ride of my life
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
Bad is when you finish the dishes then see a few more things to wash. Worse is when your wife is there so you can’t say you didn’t see them.
[i go to the aquarium wearing my cowboy boots and hat] “can we get extra security at the seahorse exhibit? yeah, he’s here again.”
Refrigerators are actually sentient beings, but we keep putting magnets on them, and erasing their memories.
When you try to be humble and say it’s no big deal and they agree with you😭.
i’m crying live action simba really did not gaf
Lois: Why can’t I find a boyfriend like you?
Superman: What about that Clark fellow? He seems cool
Lois: Who? Speccy McSpecface?
Superman:
Lois: Are you crying?
“Cake by the Ocean” probably has some alternate meaning but I’m too old to really care so I like to think it’s about a nice, young fellow eating birthday cake on the beach.
“If you get me to the next station I promise I’ll never let you fall below half a tank again” – A Memoir
i wear a mask when i sleep, because who knows who’s going to come into an Arby’s bathroom this close to the highway
[playing hide and seek]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS L-
me: [exploding out of closet] BABY DON’T HURT ME