“The Walking Dad,” but it’s just a guy walking around the house turning off lights and muttering that he’s “not made of money”
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I know you had tons of fun at Mardi Gras back in ’97, but really it’s time to take the beads down from your rear view mirror.
All I’m sayin is that you’re not gonna want my kid doing your taxes after being homeschooled by me.
KID:Dad what’s the difference between a gerbil and a rat
DAD WHO IS A MAFIA BOSS:A gerbil sleeps in a cage and a rat sleeps with the fishes
this brownie is so moist
“ugh i hate that word”
okay [opens thesaurus] this brownie is totally soaked. i love to eat damp and soggy brownies
Felt sad that rabbits ate all my marigolds.
Then felt glad that I don’t have to water them anymore.
Suburban life is a roller coaster.
Making a wreath of all my kids’ lost teeth to hang on my door to ward off solicitors.
My Face ID only recognizes me if I’m chewing now.
Just realized I only had one meal today. One, thirteen-hour meal.
“What seems to be the problem, officer?”
I’m guessing the best thing about being a zombie is knowing the dance routine to “Thriller”.
ME: What do you recommend? It’s our anniversary
WAITRESS AT WAFFLE HOUSE: You should try a waffle
Him: So, it cost me my life savings and all my inheritance but you’re worth it, I booked us a trip on Virgin Galactic
Me: Umm…when I said I wanted space…
Leonardo DiCaprisun
Getting my second jab today. They’re making me sign a form confirming I’ve been repeatedly told the vaccine won’t allow me to survive being fired from a trebuchet into the tree where the squirrels took my mars bar.
I try not to worry about things outside of my control, or things that are the direct result of my deliberate choices.
Hey kids! Make your voice heard this election day by hiding your parents identification! (Not applicable in some states)
*watching my wife’s bra moving up and down on the floor by itself*
ME: Hon, wtf?
HER: push up bra
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
“55?”
Cop: Faster.
“217.”
Cop: Um, no, 72.
“24?”
Cop: I already told y-
“Negative 6?”
Cop: Get out.
so unrealistic when scary movies show an empty rocking chair rocking back and forth. there should be a pile of laundry on it
In high school I was best known as “Hey what’s your friends name?”
You’re old you’re excited to learn how to play Mahjong
I ate everything, including the H.
When you’re feeling nice so you stop and get a couple dozen donuts for your crew. But then you gotta leave em in your car until the gravy sucking ingrate non reciprocating 1st shift crew goes home so your crew can actually eat them.
Shapewear for women, but it’s a system of pulleys and levers so you can morph into different configurations, like “sexy Chrysler Building” or “new condos going up”
I can’t get the cork off my dinner.
Me: Can I get a 12 inch sub?
Naval officer: They’re usually a lot bigger
Her: Why are you videoing that microwave meal?
Me: The instructions say ‘remove packaging and film’
Worth remembering.
I’ve been avoiding the news like crazy. We could’ve landed on the Moon this morning for all I know.