I try not to get political on twitter, but cinderella’s step mom was a real piece of shit
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*calls 911*
Hey, I found some big guns.
*Cops surround the house. I come outside flexing and get shot 263 times.*
2000 years ago:
god: i shall sacrifice my only son so that all may have eternal lifeToday:
god, watching us eat tide pods: jesus christ
Tik Toks be like here’s a money hack:
Commit Fraud
FRIEND: you should really try Zumba, I’m in the best shape since high school
ME: *not really paying attention* oh yeah
*two weeks later watching my Roomba on my couch*
ME: ive never felt better in my life
video games are rated M for mature if they contain scenes of someone buying reading glasses or complaining about not getting enough fiber
Me: Stay back, I have garlic!
Count of Monte Cristo:
I can’t find anything in my job description about being awake
Sorry I lied about knowing how to play the piano. What’s that? Yes, I agree it made the funeral uncomfortable.
“How much ice does it take to preserve a dead body?”
*I ask on twitter because googling it gets people caught.
*teenage girl breaks pencil*
“I CAN’T EVEN WRITE NOW!”
Make up for past mistakes by frequently repeating them in new and astonishing ways.
Friend was telling me a story of how she made her parents drive around to 4 different places looking for a hot dog “with skin”. They kept trying to explain that they all have skin. Turns out what she wanted was a corn dog.
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
JESUS: And lo, I have fed 5000 of you with 5 fishes and 2 loaves
“AMAZING!”
“A MIRACLE!”
ME: *slowly raises hand* So do we get dessert or
Hello consequences, my actions went that way.
8yo asked y we had an analog clock on the wall but I didn’t know what analog meant so I panicked & told her time was an illusion
Been on 3 dates now with this girl who works in the zoo. I think she’s a keeper
Ok, I’ve joined #Mastodon but also this
math teacher: I said to bring your protractor to class
boy with cowboy hat: I’m just a good old fashioned country boy, I ain’t need nothin fancy, this simple tractor should do the job just fine ma’am
Before kids: my children will only eat organic meals. I will only buy educational toys. They will not watch any tv or have any screen time.
After kids: “Here honey, take your iPad and happy meal to the living room rug and I’ll put Nickelodeon on the tv for you.”
“What if I took the dumbest person I know, got them severely drunk, and challenged them to finish my sentences?” — inventor of Autocorrect
Doctors penmanship is so poor because they’re actually making fun of you to the pharmacist
The meat served in IKEA’s restaurant is made of people who couldn’t find the way out.
i’m at the age where i have to stop myself from throat punching people who say they’re sooo old when they turn 30
Vin Diesel’s real first name is Vehicle Identification Number.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Meet me in bed
To learn something newPfff….poetry is easy
Him: So tell me a little about yourself.
Me: But this was going so well…
I want to make some strangers on the internet unreasonably mad today, but first I need to put my cast iron skillet in the dishwasher
I recently got invited to a party with lots of attractive people and learned that I am very good at being ignored by lots of attractive people
All excellent questions