@FauxFawx

*calls 911*

Hey, I found some big guns.

*Cops surround the house. I come outside flexing and get shot 263 times.*

You Might Also Like

@kivtur

To be frank, I’ll need to commit an identity fraud.

@mom_tho

alexa, make my husband understand me like your amazon targeted ads do

@SortaBad

[turns to guy at next urinal]
“When the Little Mermaid became human how did she know how to use a toilet? BIG-TIME plot hole in my opinion”

@AmateurIdiot

If I insisted on getting my kids to bed by 7:00 every night, I’d have to start their bedtime routine just after breakfast.

@FredTaming

Me {sweating profusely}: help! i’m stranded in the dessert!

Him: don’t you mean desert?

Me: {only a hand sticking up from the pudding}

@ErrenMichaels

*logs into Facebook
*looks at pictures of people hugging their boyfriends
*comments ‘is that your dad’ on all of them
*logs out of Facebook

@internetluke

GOD: welcome to Heaven I will answer any question you want now.
ME: why does Target have 25 checkout lanes with only 2 always open?
GOD: …

@brookebergstadt

I have this theory that if I use cash money to pay for food I’m not actually spending my money because it doesn’t decrease the number in my bank account.. I realize that this is inaccurate, but I will continue to think this way so that I feel better about my poor life decisions

@halvewit

I think my neighbor is very sick. I have now seen him putting no less than six of his arms in his garbage over the past year.