*calls 911*
Hey, I found some big guns.
*Cops surround the house. I come outside flexing and get shot 263 times.*
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In order to catch herpes, u have to think like a herpes
sorrey im bad with names. im also bad with faces,, i put my grandma in a headlock, thinking she was the kid that stole my bike in 3rd grade
I had to drop off a fecal sample for my cat and the vet gave me a form. The last question was, “Do you want your container back?”
it can’t have done Tiny Tim’s confidence much good, his parents calling him that
Ice cream. Ewes scream. We all scream because there are angry sheep in this Baskin Robbins.
Fun prank: Tweet “Brb gonna pet the tigers in the zoo” and then don’t tweet for nine years.
my back wasn’t made for hard labor*
*getting out of bed.
If I ever win the lottery & someone asks me for money I’m going to give them a dollar & say “Here. Go play the Lottery. That’s what I did.”
My little brother tried his first edible and is currently writing the worst statuses ever
Really wanted to be a therapist until I got a Twitter account and read some of you guys problems and I want nothing to do with that mess
Yoda: Clouded, your future is.
Anakin: Are you smoking pot again?
Yoda: Six cheeseburgers, I want.
What idiot named her Miley Cyrus’ grandma and not Nana Montana.
I love it all
I can’t stop thinking about how a tanning bed really turns you into the human version of a gas station hot dog.
shit, they caught us—run!!!
Something we don’t talk about enough re: climate change is that it will eventually get so hot that the goth lifestyle will become unsustainable, which means humanity’s most precious resource- hot goth chicks- will be extinct by 2040
I conduct all my high level anti-robot meetings in a hot tub. A precaution to make sure no one is a secret robot. They are poorly attended.
Death be not proud. Death not so great with words, but happy to go out with any girl you want fix Death up with.
“no one remembers the weird thing you said at that party” actually the weird thing you said has become a sacred inside joke that bonded several people at that party together forever
What do Kermit the Frog, John the Baptist, and Vlad the Impaler have in common?
Same middle name.
I’m hiring a motivational speaker for my lazy eye.
Pro tip: If your full grown kid won’t move out just tell them their Christmas gift is in the driveway and lock the door when they go look.
I’m not homophobic, I love my house!
[taking immortality pills]
wife: but wont we get bored of eternal life?
me: dont worry, we’ll have each other..
*we swallow the pills*
me: i can still see it in your hand
Having hot lemon water every morning is definitely working. I’ve never felt more arrogant.
“Yogurt!”
Gurt: “Yes?”
Now that I’m 40, I’ve had to change my safe word to ‘my knees! my knees!’
Cabin 1: *coughs
Cabin 2: What’s the matter with him?
Cabin 3: Cabin Fever.