I can’t stop thinking about how a tanning bed really turns you into the human version of a gas station hot dog.
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Our family has a tradition of opening presents on live video so the kids can be disappointed in real time.
Dads are never closer to their pioneer heritage than when they are seeking out a spot for their family at the beach.
It’s only a family vacation if you think “We’re never doing this again” at least once.
I believe it was Gandhi who said “never create passwords for apps when you’re shitfaced”
When the cops are at your door have on a cape, carry a wand, and tell them you’re a magician when they ask how your boyfriend disappeared.
I’m preparing for Halloween early by pretending not to be home every time someone knocks the door.
[1st Day after wildebeests take over]
I’m safe in my house
[Day 7]
Thought I heard clattering
[Day 21]
THEY CAN OPEN DOORS WITH THEIR HOOVES
Convince people you’re an international spy or drug dealer by snapping your phone in half after finishing a call
[if i was president]
“mr president, is it true you thought navy seals were actual seals that can drive a boat”
this press conference is over
Nothing worse than talking to a person with a large amount of spit in their mouth that talks really fast. HOLY SHIT…My glasses r ruined
alcohol soaked fruit is still considered fruit though right
Hate to drop this while everyone is focused on the debate but I will henceforth be pronouncing “mouth” the way it is pronounced in Dartmouth. Thank you for your time.
Remember Chucky? This is what he looks like now.
kid: let’s go to disneyland
dad: fair enough
kid: no, disneyland
i couldn’t do an interview from home i don’t have enough bookshelves to sit in front of
prisoner: “i broke a guy’s face in 18 places, what you in for?”
[flashback to me stealing a duck from the pond]
me: “9/11”
Ex [to kids]: dad made a mistake and will be gone for awhile
8: what did he do?
Ex: what do you think he did?
8: he drove while drinking
Ex: yes
8: AGAIN?!
Me: while you’re up there let’s do a Spider-Man kiss
My dental hygienist: still no
Cop: You doin drugs?
“No”
Cop: Whatya smokin?
“Pot”
Cop: THATS DOING DRUGS
“Ohh I thought you meant like [whispers] having sex with drugs”
There’s nothing like the joy on a kid’s face when he first sees the PlayStation box containing the socks I got him for Christmas.
Don’t wait until the last minute to procrastinate. Start procrastinating today!
I be like “I gotta drink more water” then take one little sippy sip and then give the rest to my house plants
My uterus really needs a new lining every month? Seems ungrateful. What’s wrong with the lining I got you last month. It was brand new
My youngest called a family meeting. She wants to vote to get rid of her dog because she had to clean up a few messes it made. My sons voted to remove her. I’m starting to like this idea of family american idol
Conveniently, the sound from their early Saturday morning lawn mowers covers the noise of my sniper rifle.
Welcome to your 50s. Commercials are too damn loud. Even on mute.
Don’t have money for a cab so I keep calling ambulances and telling them I feel better when I’m close to my destination
we don’t give my son hot dogs not because they’re unhealthy, because he eats them with jelly & the judgement in public is too much
Get your shit together, people at McDonald’s drive thru who sit there all confused like the menu hasn’t been the same for the last 50 years
So honored that @funTweeters chose one of my tweets! I absolutely love that site! #FF