normalize wrapping all foods in cloth to allow for noiseless midnight snacking
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If you’re feeling lonely and want someone to talk to you, just put in your ear buds or try to read in a public place.
If we discovered ghosts tasted delicious it would change the entire dynamic of haunting forever.
*romantically grabs husband’s face*
I will NEVER stop eating your fries.
I just read an article about a man swept out to sea during a baptism. I guess that’s God’s Way of saying “Nope”.
My husband keeps borrowing and losing my tweezers, so I’m naming this chin hair after him
Me [proudly]: This is my son. He’s 10, a fine artist & great at math
Nurse: That’s a garbage can & your morphine drip is still attached
[paying at chipotle]
ME: i got a burrito
CLERK: that’ll be ten dollars
ME: with guac
CLERK: that’ll be ten thousand dollars
Her: It’s so sweet of you to cook for me. What are you making?
Me: It’s a special family seafood dish named after my grandmother. It’s called ClamLydia.
Her: I forgot. I already ate.
Vandalism should be allowed on any vehicle who’s alarm has been going off for more than 5 minutes.
Nurse: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: No
Nurse: Do you do drugs?
Me: *sigh* No
Nurse: Do you have a life?
Me: *just starts crying* No, I work in HR.
I finally feel peaceful and my mind is quiet.
Universe: Have her ex from 15 years ago contact her out of the blue and apologize for things she’d forgotten.
The vegetable crisper or as I call it, the cold garbage can.
I create my own luck. Also, my own problems. I’m very creative.
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Just let me finish this movie
Wife: What are you watching?
Me: *turns to camera* The Neverending Story
Watching your childhood favorites as an adult really makes you wonder, “What the hell were my parents thinking?”
Good morning
My greatest fear is waking up after being buried alive so I’ve decided to be cremated
*wakes up in cremation oven*
“Please. My wife. She’s very sick.”
Hand embroidery on cotton. Custom order lol.
If you’ve been reading a book for more than a month you are in a relationship with that book and now you have to say hi to it when you come home
I went out for a walk and the neighbor kids asked if I could play. Later losers, I have friends now.
*First hour into camping with my family with no phone*
I have 2 kids?!
My parents were tough and raised us right. If we needed to pay bribes for me to go to an Ivy League college, they definitely would have made me work, save, and pay the bribes myself.
Everyone talks shit about the Salem Witch Trials but there hasn’t been a witch attack in like 300 years.
me: my horse won’t eat
vet: ok there are several-
me: I think he’s a haytheist
vet:
me:
vet: you don’t even have a horse do you
Pink has done surprisingly well as a solo artist ever since her and Floyd split up.
Cats are not as loyal as dogs are. But at least they won’t tell the police where the bodies are….
8 yr old: as you can see in my business plan, it’s a macaroni & cheese/dinosaur chicken nugget fusion food truck called Tyrannosaurus MAC.
Bank loan officer: *hands kid trunk full of money, turns in 2 week notice*
ME: we sure have one great kid
WIFE: we have two kids
ME: yes we do
I see Netflix changed The Punisher’s origin to have his family killed by the government instead of him getting bit by a radioactive punish.
Doctor: You have to eat healthier
Cannibal: [starts eating vegans]