If you’ve been reading a book for more than a month you are in a relationship with that book and now you have to say hi to it when you come home

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I’ve wrecked my car yet I still weigh the same. This crash diet is for the birds.


I never finish anything. I have a black belt in partial arts.


Surprise sex is by far the best thing to wake up to! …Unless you’re in prison.


Madeline was one of my fav things in the world when i was a kid. I wanted to live in an orphanage so bad for fly outfits and to walk in 2 straight lines


Just once, I’d like to see a cactus that isn’t flexing.


Drama Llama is what they dubbed me in college. Not because of my theatrics, I earned the name by spitting.


Remember when that really cute guy held the door for you at the book store? He doesn’t.


COP: Do you know that you have an outstanding warrant?

ME: Well I didn’t know it was outstanding…..but I figured it was better than average


Travel Tips
1. Pack light
2. Dress comfortably
3. Bring a book
4. Anything can happen
5. You’ll probably get killed
6. Don’t leave the house