If you’ve been reading a book for more than a month you are in a relationship with that book and now you have to say hi to it when you come home
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Colleagues who feel the need to say “You either love me or hate me!” are oblivious to the fact that it’s always the latter.
Very Cool Person: It’s four-twenty, you know what that means?
Me: Hell yeah [starts shoving blackbirds into a pie]
*cold day in hell
Satan: Dammit! Did some band get back together?
Velcrow
Stop buying me complex technological devices that I have to go take a class to learn how to use just buy me a goat
When I said I wanted to get sticky, I didn’t mean that I wanted to spill my slushie all over the place.
My wife is so married that she even stopped blowing out the candles on her birthday cake cause she doesn’t want me gettin’ any ideas.
Why don’t we just stick an “a” in there and finally start calling it what it is…. “Moanday”
I just feel like you shouldn’t be using a selfie stick unless you’re a T-Rex.
My 5yo doesn’t always play his harmonica, but when he does, it’s at 6:33 in the morning.
I have money, then I don’t have money, it all happens so fast!!
Interviewer: You list excellent negotiator on your resume. Could you provide an example?
Me: *slow winks, slides $5 across table* I’m hired
Just hear me out, a blood oath, but with melted cheese.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who sees you eating the chicken nuggets he said he didn’t want
(1:35pm) God: Yo Abraham
(1:37pm) Abe: sup
(1:38pm) God: Need u to kill ur son
(1:42pm) Abe: k(4:02pm) God: jk lol
(4:10pm) God: u there?
Good news: It works the other way around.
I entered “internal bleeding” & “unconscious” in WebMD and it said I have a stuffy nose.
Phew.
kid that threw a ball into my yard: hey give it back
me: *hugging his dog* no
“Will.he.was”
-Will.i.am’s tombstone
me: *looking down from a roof* a ladder would only slow me down now
Standing behind a hot guy on a treadmill saying ‘don’t worry baby, I’ll catch you if you fall’ makes him run for a really really long time
I think we can all agree if the ancient Egyptians had twitter there would be no pyramids.
PARENTS: when we were ur age we bought a house for $10,000
ME: oh yeah? well did u have.. THIS?!
*gestures to 114 gross Oreo flavors*
I always keep pepper spray in my purse, you know, in case someone tries to attack me or make small talk
A birth certificate is a basically a baby receipt.
It’s Cyber Monday, sooo…. what are you wearing?
if she’s cute let her know. go AWOOOGOOO. pop ur eyes out of ur head. drop ur jaw to the floor. roll ur tongue out like a red carpet.
Don’t you just love arts and crafts?
person texting me: hey I’m outside
me: [covered in glue and accidentally tripping onto a pile of several thousand photos of you] uh HANG ON
DAD: please help find my daughter
DETECTIVE: what does she look like
DAD: [scrolling thru 9,674 selfies of her with snapchat filters] I D… I DON’T KNOW
Sorry if you feel foolish, but that’s how sarcasm works… Einstein.