@paprbckparadise

If you’ve been reading a book for more than a month you are in a relationship with that book and now you have to say hi to it when you come home

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@Stella1070

I’ve wrecked my car yet I still weigh the same. This crash diet is for the birds.

@UnFitz

I never finish anything. I have a black belt in partial arts.

@DartsBofficial

Surprise sex is by far the best thing to wake up to! …Unless you’re in prison.

@TheeSkinBoss

Madeline was one of my fav things in the world when i was a kid. I wanted to live in an orphanage so bad for fly outfits and to walk in 2 straight lines

@mugkip

Just once, I’d like to see a cactus that isn’t flexing.

@Lisabug74

Drama Llama is what they dubbed me in college. Not because of my theatrics, I earned the name by spitting.

@IamEnidColeslaw

Remember when that really cute guy held the door for you at the book store? He doesn’t.

@Pierre__4

COP: Do you know that you have an outstanding warrant?

ME: Well I didn’t know it was outstanding…..but I figured it was better than average

@dragnut

Travel Tips
1. Pack light
2. Dress comfortably
3. Bring a book
4. Anything can happen
5. You’ll probably get killed
6. Don’t leave the house