Two glasses of wine and ordering online groceries is essentially clubbing and the bouncer is whether or not I know my credit card expiration date without standing up
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If you think $1mil/yr is “rich,” guess again! Look at my monthly expenses.
$22k rent
$6k 24/7 manservant
$2k gourds (decorative)
$4.5k jewels, myrrh
$10k ballooning & balloon upkeep
$7k magazines
$9k condor egg omelettes
$11k misc unguentsI’m barely getting by.
When I talk about “my old man” I’m referring to my 19yo son who likes to wake up early, make coffee, check the news and comment “we’ve really needed this rain” while wearing his robe.
Telling a mother her baby is cute is like giving your compliments to the chef
Tonight’s to-do list:
-honk
-shoo
-honk
-mimimimimi
Doctor: Any food allergies?
Patient: Sometimes dairy products disagree with me
Carton of milk: That’s not true
“We like the idea, we do. We’re just afraid it’s going to keep the viewer awake.” – Sundance Channel execs
2: mommy, grammy goes to bed with grandpa
me: yeah, hey can we talk about something else?
In order for us to go on vacation we need to start by unpacking from our last vacation.
COP: Quick, stun him!
ME: *performs perfect somersault*
Robin Thicke can’t even name a second Robin Thicke song
One of the best parts of marriage is having someone to hate the couples on House Hunters with.
People are teaching their dogs how to skateboard and my dog’s chart at the vet says “must be picked up, won’t walk”.
Are rhetorical questions really necessary?
Age is just a number, like 100 hours of Community Service.
I’ve been looking for the lid for this Tupperware container and somehow I’m now three weeks late for work.
My Dad: So then you just like *smushing together a bird stuffed animal and a bee stuffed animal while making kissy noises*
Me: OK, got it. They’re all waiting, can I go get married now?
its cool in movies when a guy blows into town and after a 30 second conversation an old guy is like, you can work in my bar and sleep in the spare room above the garage and eat meals with my family and have sex with my daughter
I can’t bend my pinky without my ring finger bending as well..is this normal?
Let’s hear your results ’cause I know you just tried it.
Pizza Hut Employee: I’m sorry but we don’t deliver bog grass. I’m not even sure what that is.
Moose: [incoherent bellowing]
Snacking on regular m&m’s and peanuts because I refuse to have my chocolate to peanut ratio dictated by some big corporation
*Passing the same coworker in the hallway more than once:
Don’t look at me, I already said “Hi” to you.
girlfriend: I’m sick of you having no sense of direction
me: where did that come from
Good things to say after sex
1. thanks
2. that was fun
3. do u think my betta fish went to heaven when he died
4. where then
5. where is he
if you’re not easily offended, why are you even here?
Seekh Kebab
Not attention
“I’m light-headed. I just need to eat.”
-my excuse for everything
Don’t forget to smile today, but not that creepy smile that makes us all wonder how many bodies are buried in your yard.
It’s a good thing I’m not Batman, because there’s NO WAY I would keep that shit secret.
i don’t let my toddler use an ipad but she does get to drive when i’m hungover
“I need a beer, you want one?”
– me, helping my son with his Legos