its cool in movies when a guy blows into town and after a 30 second conversation an old guy is like, you can work in my bar and sleep in the spare room above the garage and eat meals with my family and have sex with my daughter
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Some people just want to watch the world bake at 350° for 45 minutes.
No one is as glued to any piece of reading material as a parent counting down the songs in the program of a really boring school concert.
Me if I was a dog
high difficulty level escape room concept: u are laying in bed and u have one hour to get out of bed
They say being a hostage is difficult – but I could do that with my hands tied behind my back.
Cop: you’re under arrest. we found your blood at the crime scene
Me: how??
[Earlier]
Me: better floss before drowning this guy
hot girl doing pouty lips: wow she is so sexy
me doing pouty lips: are…are you going to puke, you have to tell me if you’re going to puke
Haven’t tweeted much the last couple days. Trouble at home. Marital trouble. We’ve always been a team, worked through things well together but now we’ve hit an impasse that I’m not sure how we can work out.
She’s gotten sick of pizza.
True friends know where you keep the blank check for your bail.
I took off my shirt when I got home and my wife put her eclipse glasses back on.
Doubt I’ll ever forget this scene 😂
Listen if vampires don’t age or whatever then why aren’t there any films about vampires set in a future where we all live in space??? Space Vampires?! Do I have to do everything around here
Dear chapsticks that keep getting lost,
Take me with you.
I bet Lance Armstrong is smugly saying “at least I didn’t kill anybody” to like every person he sees today.
me: man, this is great! I only wish I’d taken up deadlifting sooner
Funeral Home Director: please leave.
My wife shook me awake at 7am on a Sunday “because it’s not raining, and we have a lot to do today”
Holy shit, I married my father
Me: babe, I don’t mean to be THAT person but you breathe way too loud & I can’t fall asleep.
*Vader grabs a blanket & moves to the couch*
“I’ll never understand why people can’t sleep with a closet door open” I say while making sure my feet don’t hang over the side of the bed.
him: omg i love these *leans in* Alexa, what day is it?
still him: oh dude, that’s my bong
My girlfriend’s car got stolen today, so if you see a man driving a dark green Honda Civic, PLEASE tell him I left some Skittles in there.
Before I check out of my hotel room, I like to scrub the toilet, clean the shower, strip the bed, and leave a $700 tip for the maid so it feels like I’m staying in an airbnb
When you donate sperm they ask if you have any “sociopathic tendencies”. I was like “other than creating people for money? ..No.”
Her: I can’t cook because, I “believe” I can’t cook. And you want to know what makes me believe that?
Me: The arrival of the paramedics?
lot going on here, legally speaking.
“NO SHIT!”
~Urinals
[Girl’s night out]
Girl 1: Omg I haven’t had sex in so long, I swear I have cobwebs down there
Spider-Man’s GF: *nervous laugh* HAHA SAME
Not to brag, but I can cure a man of having a thing for me in five minutes flat.
In the event of a bear attack, the best thing to do is play dead. You’ll still die. But at least you get to play with a bear.
1st Kid: spends 6 weeks sewing perfect costume
2nd Kid: *cuts holes in an old NKOTB beach towel* just say you’re an 80’s ghost or some shit
*reading the nutrition facts of a cookie*
me: so I’ll need to eat at least 83 of these to get 100% of my daily protein