Innocent until proven guilty? Well, guess I won’t show up to court
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I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
This has to be the worst date I have ever had. That includes the time that I accidentally answered my uncle’s personal ad….
some stupid little amoeba decided to leave the ocean a billion years ago and now i have to worry that tomorrow is monday
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
i cannot relate to all these YA main characters that have the focus and determination to complete their little tasks and save the world. after about two weeks when the hyperfixation of it wore of, i’d let the planet die bc i discovered knitting
MOM: Any plans tonight?
ME: Me and the guys heading out to find us some ladees *shoots finger guns
HER: So Pokemon Go with Gary?
M: Yessss
“Because I got high” is actually a song about pilots, who go to high altitudes in their planes every day, and have good reason for not doing all those things in the song.
Algebra,trignometry, and calculus are responsible for more doctors than the actual love for the profession.
me: *pretending to know about vegetables to impress the cashier* corm is one of my favorite yellows
*gingerly taps banana*
Lawyers are good at twisting words but not as good as drunk me when I’m explaining where I’ve been.
(friend who didn’t get invited on the blair witch project trip) ah jeez that’s awful. tragic. and you found all their footage? so did they ever like.. explain why they could only bring 3 people in a car that seats 4 or like
Someone told me signing my emails with “Best” is passive aggressive so
I’m changing it to “See you in hell’ to eliminate any confusion!! 🤣😏
Got thrown out of another poetry reading for shouting “oooh naughty” every time someone used a metaphor for sex
*creators of the alphabet, exhausted, and near the end*
Whatever, let’s just call this letter…double u.
Bigfoot keeps his legs in shape by doing sasquats
[Carpool]
Me: Look, it’s a long commute and I only have time to eat in the car
Co-worker: But I can’t see the road over your fajita station
Me: *chewing* Sounds like a you problem
BARISTA: what can I get you
ME: medium roast please
B: ok, your gray roots are getting obvious and you have the silhouette of a potato
M: *under breath* damn
That awkward moment when mom says 3 is the perfect number of kids to have, but you’re her 4th
me: in or out
dog: yep
me: which one
dog: you bet
You know what would make my cubicle super cute? Fire.
Take caution while searching the annals of history.
The anals of history provide very different results.
I’ll accept the consequences but in my defense, it was a double dare..
Judge: well in that case, I triple dog dare you 60 days in jail.
In an alternate universe the hard way is always learning me
A dog just came up to me to say hello and the owner dragged him off.
Jealousy will get you nowhere, pal.
Mick Jagger: Hey Keith, come hold my new baby.
Keith holding baby, whispers to it: I’m going to out live you too.
feeling dizzy
highly recommended, many stars
{Apocalypse}
ME (To War, Famine, Pestilence and Death): Can I pet your horsies?
[breakfast time]
Me: What do you want?My kid: I’m not sure
Me: How about the same thing you had yesterday and every single day before that?
My kid: I need more time to think
“Take it with a pinch of salt,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made horrible tea.
I don’t want to alarm anyone but I’ve purchased a ukulele. Soon as I can jam, there’ll be auditions for my band behind the 7-11.
NO WEIRDOS