Innocent until proven guilty? Well, guess I won’t show up to court
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You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
At dinner my husband hollered, “I’m going to run off to a place where I’m appreciated!”
My daughter: Don’t take my Barbie backpack.
My son: Can someone pass the butter?
My mother: You married her.
Man, I was just reminded that the world is supposed to end this year and I haven’t even started packing yet.
How much fast food do I need to eat before I’m fast?
Every time my sexual partner changes positions or stops for a second I respond with “recalculating…”
I just don’t understand how moats ever went out of style.
Learn cursive, they said. You’ll need it your whole life, they said.
I am rarely judgmental, but I do scowl, and shake my head slowly in disapproval whenever I see a vegan biting its nails.
The key to a clean house is dim lighting.
You can’t make me breathe heavy.
You aren’t a flight of stairs.
50 shades – only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he lived in a trailer, it would be another episode of criminal minds
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
I start training at mime school on Monday.
So if you don’t hear from me…
Twerking is the crocs of dancing.
Me looking for my phone using my phone flashlight: where the heck is it?!
My cat WHO EATS STINK BUGS OFF THE WINDOW SILL refuses the $8.99/lb deli turkey I bought especially for her sensitive mouth.
Let me show you what this mouth can do..
[eats a cheeseburger]
14yo: My voice keeps randomly changing
DOCTOR: That’s normal at your age
14yo: [Batman voice] Thank you doctor
DOCTOR: That’s not normal
My wife asked me to get the house ready as her friend is sleeping here tonight so as an optimist our bed now has 3 pillows.
GIRL: Spirit, should I have sex with this guy?
ME: *tries to push the ouija pointer to yes but it won’t move* (under breath) grandma, PLEASE
Her: you’re damaged goods
Me *thinking*: she thinks I’m good!
“So you’re a poet” says the waitress, gliding past. I vainly attempt to slow my reaction but knock over my beer trying to cover the words ‘glistening moose hips’
Actually, Frankincense was the name of the doctor who created it. You’re thinking of Frankincense’s monster.
DR: your daughter’s vision and hearing look good
ME: and?
DR. height and weight are both average for her age
ME: and?
DR: lungs sound clear, blood pressure’s normal
ME: aaaaaaand?
DR: you don’t have to cut the grapes in half anymore
ME: oh thank god
*House Hunters
“Greg and Tina have been looking for months. She needs a house that ‘flows,’ and now he longs for the sweet relief of death. Can they both get what they want?”
cat owners will hear their cat go “prrrp” in a certain tone and be like “oh one second my cat wants the heating pad turned on”
My daughter thought putting glue on her hands would help her walk up the walls, we’re both a little disappointed that it didn’t work.
I always wear striped stockings in hopes someone will mistake me for a witch and drop a house on me.
I’ve never been to Pilates but I have tried to change clothes in the car.
After many years of cat ownership you really understand cats… until you get a second cat.