Surgeon: scalpel.
[patient hands him scalpel]
Surgeon: oh shit! Lol. You’re supposed to be asleep.
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Do people who bring bikes on the subway know about riding bikes?
The microwave was invented in 1946 when an enraged toddler demanded his food be locked in a revolving prison and destroyed by lasers.
People tend to overreact when they look in their rear view mirror & see you sitting in their backseat dressed like a clown.
A worm is a pretty shitty prize for getting up early if you ask me.
I keep the peace. As a hoarder, I keep pretty much everything.
My 8yo: I found a penny on the ground.
Me: That’ll bring you good luck!
8yo: I’d rather have a hundred dollar bill bring me good luck.
My husband got our kids to clean their rooms by promising them they could watch him play video games so basically all I need to do to get my kids to eagerly do their chores is become good at Fortnite. Cool
She has style. She has grace. She has mayonnaise on her face
[First day as a waiter]
Customer: Are your burgers 100% certified ground beef?
Me: duh cow’s can’t fly you idiot
oh shit
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep. we landed a robot on mars.
Scientists today: for the last time, the earth is round.
Just think, Someone comes to you, opens buttons of your shirt, stares at you from top to bottom and then leaves.
That’s how fridges feel.
Life is like a box of chocolates,
The good ones are always gone before I get there!
deleting dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (he and his donkey rescue me from a tower guarded by a dragon)
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
I have a confession…
I don’t like Oreos.
And it feels so great getting that off my chest!
*blocked by all of Twitter*
[laying in bed at 2am]
ME: hey siri do they still make grape nuts
SIRI: jesus christ go to sleep
*goes to grocery store*
*puts picture of my missing keys on all the milk cartons*
The strongest muscle in the human body is the tongue. Keep that in mind next time you find yourself in a scuffle.
The yogurt was so far back in the cooler at the store, I almost ended up in an Aha video.
Marriage is wearing the same shirt for three days in a row and on the third day, your husband asking if you got a new shirt.
On your first day in prison, walk right up to the nicest guy in there and break his heart.
DRAGON: get AWAY from me
ME: let me pet ur scales pls
DRAGON: I don’t even KNOW u
ME: breathe fire on me
DRAGON: *is creeped out*
Wife: You have no friends
Me: Of course I do
Wife: Family, Neighbors, Coworkers and those Twitter people don’t count.
Me: 🤔
Seeing someone’s false eye lash fall off is awkward. I never know if I should catch it or kill it.
The block button is just the adult version of sticking your fingers in your ears and repeating “I can’t hear you” over and over
ME: *watching the sun rise* ugh, this shit again?
THE SUN: *watching the earth rotate around until I appear* ugh, this shit again?
Act now and we will double your order of crap!
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