Her: I can’t cook because, I “believe” I can’t cook. And you want to know what makes me believe that?
Me: The arrival of the paramedics?
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Meat Loaf, Korn, Limp Bizkit, The Cranberries and the Smashing Pumpkins should go on a Thanksgiving Dinner Tour.
Since instagram is down I’m not sure if there was a sunrise today or if anyone ate any food? I feel lost.
*first day in a Vegas poker tournament
Me: I’m all in
Host: Sir, this is the buffet
My car is saying it needs another oil change even though I literally got one in 2020. This is how the auto industry gets you.
Rival Gang Leader:
Me:
Rival Gang Leader’s mom: [nudges son] go on
Rival Gang Leader: sorry I tried to shoot you
[doctor hooking wires to my chest]
ME: What are you doing?
DOC: Echocardiogram
ME: cardiogram cardiogram cardiogram this is a weird test
Him: How was your day?
Me: Do you think my house key is sharp enough to sever a carotid artery?
Him: *opens four bottles of wine*
i was in target and a little kid came up to me asking if i could watch something for him while he looks for his momma and i said yes, so he handed me a half-eaten chicken nugget
Hey girl, are you the barbed wire fence surrounding Meryl Streep’s house? Cause I just can’t seem to get over you
i slap your apartment floor and ask you what year it was made. you don’t understand so i do exactly the same thing again
Just know someone out there is thinking of you, and how to make your death look like an accident.
the noise i just made
Gonna tell my kids this is how game of thrones ended
One time I spent Christmas with an exes family and they asked if I’d ever seen A Charlie Brown Christmas, and I said “no, I’m allergic to peanuts” and nobody got the joke and her mom spent all week avoiding putting nuts in stuff and we broke up like 3 weeks later. Carry on.
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
pantsless bc the day after international women’s day means women are half off
No, please continue to talk loudly on the phone, smoke & spit next to my table. No problem! I’m just going to follow you home and kill you.
Cop: Ma’am can you describe the panty thief?
Her: White male, early 40s, overweight
Me from the closet: Husky, I prefer to be called husky
I just accidentally uploaded this instead of my invoice on a company’s invoicing portal and I can’t delete it
[Ancient Roman to little girl]
“So, what’s your name?”
“Ivy”
“And how old are you?”
“Same”
Piers Morgan has taken a very strong stance against guns, and who can blame him?
If you had a gun, you’d shoot him too.
“Can you tell me what the second to last letter in the alphabet is?”
“Y”
“So I can make a stupid joke”
Growing up was a huge mistake
February 2020 – *looks at phone to check the date*
April 2020 – *looks at phone to check what day of the week it is*
Me: why is my water bill always so high?
Me in shower:
*calls mom*
“Ma I made 3 friends on twitter today”
*long pause*
“Mom?”
*mom stares at 3 fake twitter accounts she made, fights tears*
“Mom?”
Me: I want us to get married.
Her: You’ll have to ask my dad first.
Me: Ok but he’s already married…
If your kid asks for a napkin it’s already too late.
[Courtroom]
Judge: One more word & I’ll hold you in contempt!
Me: Yes! *jumps on his lap & throws arms around him* This is nice.