Before marrying him please check the size of his head, things are not funny in the labor room😏
You Might Also Like
6y/o: I don’t want to be a hunter when I grow up. I don’t want to kill animals anymore.
Me: ANYMORE!? *googling serial killer warning signs*
My boyfriend is not like other guys. He wants to date me
Facebook is entirely there to remind you why you left.
My 2 year old woke up.
5 minutes of “Mommy!”
5 minutes of “Mommy?”
Said “Daddy?” one time & my wife said, “You should go check on her”.
Parenting is cool because:
-it’s the hardest thing you’ve ever done
-the stakes are the highest they’ve ever been
-no one can tell you how to do it
-you have to make a million choices every day
-there’s no way to ever know if any of them were correct
-socks just constantly vanish
A Freudian sitcom would be How I Meant Your Mother
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
My hobby is misidentifying dinosaurs so my daughter can correct me
me at five am: should i sleep for two hours or stay up
me at now am: Did my coworker just say “email” or “bee jail”. what did the bee do
[ad for florist]
Do you need to get a gift for your wife that requires no thought, but also dies in 4 days?
So, no one told my 13yo that spoons can’t go in the microwave.
How’s your day
2019: Keep the change
(because I’m generous)2020: Keep the change
(because I’m not touching that)
It’s called courting because you will need lawyers later.
[pulled over by cop]
COP: evening folks. this is a random doug test. can I see some ID?
MY FRIEND DOUG IN THE BACK SEAT: [starts sweating]
Your first instinct is gonna to be to spell “leopard” and “deaf” correctly. You’re going to want to resist that. – Best band manager ever.
I run up to the firefighter as he drags another charred body out of my burning home. “Did you see a zip disk labeled POEMS in there?”
Moses was technically the first person to download files to his tablet from the cloud.
My dad calls my mom beautiful after 55 years of marriage, but I’m starting to suspect it’s because he forgot her name.
I tried to pause the baby monitor when my baby woke up early from a nap instead of the Netflix show I was watching. It didn’t work.
8 is addicted to the iPad and he asked where it was at tonight and I said it’s in my car in the garage. He said ok and then I said hopefully the dead woman that lives in the garage won’t get him. Now we’re about to find out how much he wants it.
[inventing facebook]
Everyone: My family isn’t racist.
Mark Zuckerburg: Oh ahahahahaha
*Rubs lamp*
*Nothing happens*
Where’s the genie?
*Takes off lampshade*
What’s wrong with this thing?
Me: We should get a bigger car.
Wife: You’re not thinking we should have another kid, right?
Me: No, I’m just tired of being able to hear the ones we do have when we are driving.
who called them sea lions and not soggy doggies
What if archeologists just matched the wrong bones and the t-Rex actually had super long arms
if i got $5 every time i thought of u i would start thinking of u
Whoever named snakes did a great job. Those things are definitely snakes.
Barista: Name?
Me: Lotta Sexhaver *wink*
*Time passes*
Barista: Got a latte for Virgin McLiar
For someone, somewhere, today is the last day they will have 10 fingers.
My wife is amazing in bed. She can fall asleep immediately no matter how loud the TV is on.