Me: how much for the goth harmonica?
Store Clerk: that’s a cheese grater
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Music takes practice. Before they were Duran Duran they had to Duwalk Duwalk.
I can’t believe I got kicked out of chess club. I didn’t realize there were rules, I just thought the pieces fought like action figures. I shouldn’t have brought Wolverine.
Me: My wife and I finish each others sentences
Judge: No
[at seance]
Me: We call the spirit of my dead husband.
Ghost Husband: I’m here.
Me: Move the planchette to send a message to me on this ouija board.
Ghost Husband: Ok wait. That’s just a piece of paper that says “I’m sorry” and “you were right”
I used to teach a workshop at a prison and one time I took a Lyft to get there and the driver won’t stop talking to me about the stock market.
Then he asked “so what are you up to today?” And I said “nothing much. Just turning myself in” and the way this man went silent. 10/10
“I love it when we finish each other.”
“You mean: other’s sentences?”
“No.”
just watched a bird catch a worm at 3 in the afternoon
everything is a lie nothing is real
When you think about it, crime not withstanding, all cars are getaway cars
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. But also, 11 hours/night when I’m still alive.
Ours is the house that always has something on the roof that was never intended to be airborne
One of the most romantic things a rose can do for another rose is leave a trail of human body parts from the front door to the bedroom.
Generally when you hear the phrase “hold my beer and watch this”
Just dial 911
My body: I need to perspire.
Antiperspirant: The hell you do.
I would’ve worn my short shorts and my striped tube socks if I knew I was going to be walking around in sepia tone all day
God: *reading from clipboard* The snout on the elephant isn’t working so we need to replace it before release.
Angel: One step ahead of you!
God: What did you do?!
Elephant: Quack
I went to the bathroom at IKEA and needed an Allen wrench to flush the toilet.
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
Apparently the safe word has changed to…
NOT THERE IDIOT!!! Followed by a swift elbow to the eye….
I just want to learn enough sign language to convince a hair stylist to cut my hair in silence
Definition of Insomnia:
Finding a spider in your bedroom & when you leave for a second to get the spray & come back it’s gone
*Christmas with The Schrödingers
Dr. Erwin Schrödinger: [shaking a wrapped box, excited] Is it a new cat?
*His family smiles nervously at each other
“I’m so stoked!”
-An excited fireplace
Bad weather is My way of temporarily punishing you. Bad climate is your way of permanently punishing you.
[holding the door open for a pretty woman]
Her: *smiling* Thank you, gallant sir
Me: *blushing* I aim to please
Wife: *withering* Honey, we’ve shared a bathroom for 18 years, he aims for the floor
M: I despise you
Some days I can’t believe my son is 3 ½ years old. I swear that kid has been tormenting us for at least 10 years.
If I say “last Star Wars” and u say “Actually you mean 3rd Star Wars! It’s a prequel!” I’m going to hit u with a fish tank.
My kids all went to bed without being asked so I’m interrogating them all to see who did what.
Eventually they’ll break.
Walmart keeps two elderly people on staff at all times: one to greet you, and one to walk slowly in front of you on the way out.
Them: your dog is so cute, does she shed?
Me: only twice a year
Them: and how long does it last?
Me: 6 months