just watched a bird catch a worm at 3 in the afternoon
everything is a lie nothing is real
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[alligator store]
Clerk: $1500. Thanks
Me: not gonna say bye to him?
Clerk: uh
Me: say it
Clerk: goodbye
Me: say “see you later alligator”
GENIE: u get 3 wishes!
ME: for my first wish, I want a never-ending bowl of guac
GENIE: guac, huh? Yeah, that’s gonna cost you an extra wish
Billy Ocean’s “Get Outta My Dreams” is my favorite song about simultaneous eviction & abduction.
A slice of pie in the Bahamas is $2.00, in Jamaica it’s $2.50.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
My daughter watched a trial of mine today and when it was over (expecting praise and adulation) I said, “Wellllll how’d I do?”
Her, “You sure did lead your witness a lot.”
My daughter went back to college today and I texted her that I missed her so much and she texted back 2.5 hours later, “Yes.” Then, “Sorry, that wasn’t for you.”
I WAS IN LABOR FOR 14 HOURS
Concierge: I’m afraid we’re all booked up this evening
Me: Maybe this will change your mind *slides bill across desk*
Concierge: Sir…
Me: If you want the rest of your duck you’ll find us a table
Him: no one will steal your identity that way
Me [disposing of old underwear by cutting it into strips like a credit card over a trashcan]: you don’t know that
Imagine if we didn’t have Google and still relied on encyclopedias to find out “Why poop green?”
If being successful was an amusement park, I’m the kid that drove his bumper car in the corner and can’t get out.
GENIE:3 wishes
ME:Can I wish for more?
G:No
M:I wish u couldn’t count
G:Done. How many do u have left?
M:A billion
G:
M:
G:That sounds right
Me in my 20’s: Bad to the bone
Me in my 40’s: Glued to my phone
Opening dryer:
Me: where’s the left sock?!
Parallel universe me: where’s the right sock?!
Other parallel universe me: extra pair again! Thank you, sock gods!
I wonder how long until my guy friends figure out I only invite them over to kill bugs for me
Nana to 3: “I love you! Who loves ya?!”
3 to Nana: “Nana!”
Nana to 3: “That’s right! Who loves Nana?”
3 to Nana: “Nobody!!!”Never been more impressed in my life.
I’ve been collecting toe nails in a mason jar for over 12 years. Better to have ’em and not need ’em.
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
[whispering to paramedic before I pass out] save me but not enough that I have to go to work tomorrow
wtf is an acronym
I only like surprises when I am not in a public toilet.
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
Just flipped my mattress, should have woke up my wife first
Me: give me all the brisket you have
Food truck attendant: jesus I’m driving 80, how are you still holding on
Nowadays you can post your opinions instantly. Used to be, if you got riled up by a troubadour’s ballad you had to weave a whole tapestry about it
“knock knock”
whos there
“orange”
orange who
“orange u glad im not a banana?”
…. MARTHA THERES A RACIST ORAMGE AT THE DOOR DO I LET HIM IN
Wife: “Was that lightning?!” Me: “No, they’re taking pictures for Google earth…”
when the doctor brings med students into your exam
[staff meeting]
Boss: Does anyone have any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Boss: Candy
Me: Does anyone care if I take the last blueberry muffin?
GMO bananas: turn brown for what?
How to stop Facebook Live and Marketplace notifications:
1) Open Facebook app
2) Go to Settings
3) Throw your phone into a river