If Die Hard isn’t a Christmas movie why do I spend the holidays hiding in the vents of my workplace?
You Might Also Like
6 said she wanted to play dolls with me, just like she did with her friend on a play date. We were playing for a minute when she looked up at me super adorably and said, “my friend is funner than you”.
Hallmark movie writer’s room:
“Alright, let’s get started.”
(4 minutes later)
“OK, that’s a wrap on 27 movies, good job everyone.”
[hand sensing faucet factory]
Worker: sir, we are ready to load the hand recognition software
Boss: ok great but *shows picture of me* make sure it doesn’t work for this guy
Started saying “see ya next year” to everyone. Seems to really creep people out when they have no idea who the hell you are
2020: Soooo, you’re feeling pretty good today, huh? Enjoying some down time?
Me: Yeeeaaahhh….why?
2020: How’s your back?
Me: Damn it!
2020: *teehee*
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
this kangaroo looks like it smells like AXE body spray
girls don’t want boys, they want good hair days
Tf Chris Rock thought Will was coming up there to do? Get Jiggy w/ it 😂😭😂😭
Her: how are you
Me: good
Her: you sure?
Me: yup
Her: you’re alright?
Me: yes..
Her: really?
Me:
Her: are y–
Me: people like you go missing
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog
My 4yo niece: do you have a girlfriend?
Me: no
Niece: a boyfriend?
Me: no
[pause]Niece: do you have a friend?
Every craft store needs an aisle labeled So Your Child Has a School Project Due Tomorrow.
*watching someone make a cake*
them: and now add the mascarpone
me: ah yes, the one that hides the horses
why are there sports bars but not cute bars where u can sip wine and cheer for competitive cooking shows?
You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancée by the way he hasn’t murdered her.
‘Brexit’ to be followed by Grexit. Departugal. Italeave. Fruckoff. Czechout. Oustria. Finish. Slovakout. Latervia. Byegium.
On vacation, I ask the concierge to stand outside the shower and ask me random questions so I can feel right at home.
Me: we can all get along and live in unity
Me 2 seconds later behind a couponer at the store: ok no we can’t
I deep cleaned the carpet so now I guess we’ll live outside.
My little boy told me he wants to pass out hand sanitizers for Valentine’s Day bc he’s sick of everyone’s germs.
“I wanna be your friend, but please clean your hands first.”
It’s sad your dad left but it could be way worse. What if, instead, you kept getting dads? Every day, until your house was packed with dads.
Me [trying to get respect from my family after eating 12 hotdogs] how many more hotdogs do I need to eat before you respect me?
Mom: we just want you to get a job. Give me the *sound of a struggle* hotdogs
If aliens ever attack, I hope they do it in rows of 8, going right and left directly above me. I’m very skilled at shooting aliens this way
BOUNCER: *checking ID* this doesn’t look like you
CATERPILLAR: *adjusts makeshift wings* its me
B: oh yeah? Fly then
C: uh *starts sweating*
ME: How was the date?
FRIEND: Uncomfortable. She mentioned that her last boyfriend died repeatedly.
ME: So he’s like a Highlander or something?
1st Kid: spends 6 weeks sewing perfect costume
2nd Kid: *cuts holes in an old NKOTB beach towel* just say you’re an 80’s ghost or some shit
Why cant a bike stand on it’s own?
It’s two tired.
Interviewer: It says here on your resume that you are an overachiever. Care to elaborate?
Me: I’m 35 but my body already feels like it’s 65.
i bet there’s a couple seconds on that medieval torture stretcher rack where it feels incredible