My 4yo niece: do you have a girlfriend?
Me: no
Niece: a boyfriend?
Me: no
[pause]Niece: do you have a friend?
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Sure the Lego botanical sets are great but dusting them is another story.
My new year’s resolution is 1920 × 1080.
I see you posted a photo of the song playing on your car radio. I can relate because my car also has a radio and plays songs.
My new dishwasher takes over two hours to run a full cycle and I don’t know what garbage this is because even my kid can wash dishes faster than that.
Have the people outside with an airhorn trying to scare coyotes tried throwing a tennis ball?
E
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ᴱ
ᴱ
ᴱ
ᴱ
ᴱ*dolphin diving off a cliff*
I won twenty bucks on a lotto scratcher tonight – do I HAVE to go to work tomorrow?
sometimes you see a really brain-dead “political theory” take on here, then you realize it’s just a 19-year-old who figured out a really verbose way to say they hate school
Always trust the judgements of a man who honestly answers to the question ‘What’s up?’
Kids these days think Christmas is all about getting presents instead of celebrating the birth of Santa Claus.
My battle cry is, I’M TRYING TO PEE! STOP KNOCKING ON THE DOOR!!
And 5’s battle cry is, I’M NOT KNOCKING ON THE DOOR! I’M KNOCKING ON THE WALL NEXT TO THE DOOR!
Drank too much Red Bull and puked in some bushes, now three of them are breakdancing and one is taking me hang gliding next weekend.
Calling bullshit on movies. Not once have I walked into a public restroom and found a gun taped to the back of the toilet.
You don’t have to buy high thread count sheets. Just buy cheap sheets and use them for 20 years. Like butter, I tell you.
Her: I don’t think I’ve ever read a recipe before that uses words like smear pulverize and glop.
Me in a huff: well you asked how I made it
“Ok, I know this is creepy af but check this out..”
-first taxidermist
“My dream is to create something that both dogs and fraternity brothers will enjoy chasing with equal vigor.” — inventor of the frisbee
It’s not a coincidence that we use the term “committed” to refer to both relationships and a stay at a mental institution
Good: being told by your friends that you have a big heart
Bad: being told by your doctor that you have a big heart
me: i’m really glad we met, i feel like I can completely be myself around u. u had me at hello
kidnapper: pls stop talking
If you don’t stand for something, you’ll fall for any—(bag of chips that is within reach while you binge watch that show on Netflix, even though you said you weren’t hungry and are still full from that beer, burger and potato salad you had earlier)—thing.
When someone tells you “you don’t even know the half of it,” like it or not you’re about to hear the whole of it.
I’m helping my daughter write valentines to her class and children’s names these days are completely out of hand.
How to be a beautiful woman*:
– Breathe fire
– have a 30 feet long wingspan
– keep your scales acid shiny
– sharpen your claws*Awesome dragon
i remember one time i flew spirit and there was a medical emergency and the flight attendants asked if there was a doctor aboard and this old man woke up from his nap and said “ain’t no doctors flying spirit”
The best kind of Sundays are the ones where you thought you finished the cake but then you find more cake
Best things to pull:
9 Rank
8 Strings
7 The plug
6 The trigger
5 Your leg
4 Your head out
3 A fast one
2 Yourself together
1 My finger
I like my men like I like my coffee. Tied up in a burlap sack and dragged through Columbia behind a donkey.
hate playing make believe with little kids. u shoot them with a laser and theyre like “actually i went back in time so it doesnt count”. tf are u talking about. u just casually rip open a hole in the space-time continuum? thats irresponsible as shit pal
Me to 8: Please stop growing bigger
8: YOU stop growing bigger
And just like that, a sweet moment was ruined