i remember one time i flew spirit and there was a medical emergency and the flight attendants asked if there was a doctor aboard and this old man woke up from his nap and said “ain’t no doctors flying spirit”
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Angel: hey God the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a Product Manager to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “let’s have a follow-up meeting” helps
The invention of locks was a key turning point in history.
ME: If home is where the heart is, I guess I live under a canopy of bloody bones.
DMV WORKER: I’m not putting that on your license.
“Hi, my daughter will be late to school because she can zip up her jacket by herself.”
When you drive, be careful to look out for bikes. Sometimes they’re unchained so you can pull over and just take them.
Me: Was this product tested on animals?
Clerk: Yes.
Me: [outraged] I knew it!!!!
Clerk: Sir, that’s a dog leash.
went into the office today to catch up w my boss and he was like “i can tell you’re really intelligent” couldnt work up the courage to tell him its just a little bit of psychology and pretending to look focused while he talks 80% of the time
My doctor said I need to eat more greens, so I got myself a pint of mint ice cream.
My sense of direction can only be described as unacceptable.
[First day as an exterminator]
Me: *pointing to giant, dead mouse on floor* He won’t be bothering you anymore.
Chuck E. Cheese Manager: OH MY GOD
I told the hubs someone must’ve broke in and stole his phone charger.
He’ll believe that before he’ll agree he misplaced it somewhere.
I love it when my toddler falls asleep with sunglasses on it’s like my own personal weekend at bernie’s.
If I learned anything from Aladdin it was that if u just keep lying to a girl eventually u will get to marry her and live at her dad’s house
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking.
20 minutes: I have plenty of time
15 minutes: OH SHIT
According to my kid, cops won’t give you a speeding ticket if you tell them you’re in a race because then they’ll understand you’re supposed to go fast
My wife thinks it’s weird how much I stare at my phone now but it was probably even weirder when I was a kid just staring at the landline all day
Doctor: i’d like you to step on the scale.
Me: You first, pal.
Cat: [coughing up a hairball]
French tutor: very good
WIFE: Don’t go into the ball pit with the kids. You always lose your keys.
ME: *already in the ball pit* You’re not going to believe this.
Me: “If I need another drink, do you prefer if I rattle my glass or snap my fingers?”
Her:
If you believe a food is 0 calories hard enough, it becomes true.
Follow me for more health advice
If you drop your voice half an octave, you can literally say anything and at least one man will find it sexy.
Try it…”Bluetooth connected”
ppl come over to ur house and are like “can i get myself a glass of water” and ur like “sure” and u look over and they’ve chosen literally the most random glass you’ve ever seen
I’m rearranging the kitchen which is devastating for my husband because now suddenly he remembers where everything used to be.
Halloween. A kid comes to the door with a sign”I love ceilings”
What are you?
A Ceiling Fan.
Gave him all the candy.
Shall i compare thee to a summers day? For thou maketh me sweaty and bloody irritable
Are people adding the nuts to their trucks or has mine been neutered?
[coming home from cinema]
Don’t let that ninja film go to your head again.
*roundhouse kicks the light switch on*
“I won’t”