I’ve hit rock bottom so many times, I’m building a second home there.
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Thank you to all the people who tweet landscape pictures so we don’t forget what it looks like outside
If I was a criminal my calling card at the scene would be an empty strip of antidepressants and the cops would be like ‘wow she motivated herself long enough to rob this bank, good for her.’
The doctor said to spread my legs wider for the exam. Going to the optometrist is kind of fun.
You know you are old when you say “I’m old” and nobody wants to object to it.
On March 17th, 1992, I asked my parents for directions to a restaurant in Brooklyn. As of 7:30 this evening, they’re still arguing about it.
STEWARDESS: omg the plane’s about to crash but the SOS message can only be 140 characters! what are we going to do??
ME: *slowly stands up*
When I die I want a crank on the side of my coffin that plays
“Pop Goes The Weasel ”
just to see who has the guts to turn it. 😅
Me: I’ll start work early so I can stop working earlier
Also me: *just works twice as many hours cuz I started earlier
There is no situation where banana bread isn’t an appropriate gift. You got a promotion? Banana bread. Your dad is dead? Banana bread. You had a bad breakup? Banana bread. Aliens steal your body for experiments? BANANA BREAD.
I want a hallmark movie where the city girl goes home to save the family business, and realizes her hometown and her high school sweetheart still suck after all these years
google maps should not count towards my screen time. i’m not addicted to my phone im disoriented
Babe are you okay? You’ve only opened one of your Amazon packages
You kids today with your on demand music don’t know the euphoria of hearing your jam come on the radio without the DJ talking over it.
me: you misspelled school
8yo: I don’t think ‘h’ needs to be in that word
me: I think you’re taking our “think for yourself” talk a little too far
My favorite part of Thanksgiving is the pumpkin pie, I bought one of those ginormous ones from Costco and offered everyone else peach pie.
Well well well…
Ah to hear the music of the angles!
Made the mistake of ordering chlorine for the pool and researching Kenya so I’m tweeting this from what appears to be a windowed black van.
me: [taking the last bite of a big meal] now I’m ready for a long nap
executioner: coming right up
A couple is asleep when their doorbell rings at 3am.
The wife shakes the husband and says “Honey, there’s someone at the door.”
The husband, irritated gets up and opens the door to an obviously drunk man.
“Can I help you?”
“Could you give me a push?” asks the drunk man.…
Her: You’re a pathological liar!
Me: …and the King of Spain.
Watching holiday movies as a kid gave me the impression that as an adult I’ll forget my kid at home or have to drive in a halfway burned down car to get where I’m going.
So glad I don’t subtweet like SOME PEOPLE.
Dont be worried about your smartphone and TV spying on you.
Your vacuum has been gathering dirt on you for years!
Me: I have to go to a funeral.
Her: Oh, I’m so sorry. Who died?
Me: One of my clients… It’s a business funeral, not a pleasure funeral.
Today I realized that I lead an extremely secretive life for someone that no one is actually paying attention to.
Seeing a stuffed deer head on a wall makes me imagine its legs in the next room, just flailing around wildly.
PMS: Your eyes look empty.
ME: I feel great.
PMS: Better put mascara on.
ME: To look pretty?
PMS: To look crazy when I make you cry.
My followers are dropping like flies it must be that new perfume I bought.
If you give me another chance, I just know I can make things worse.