Maps used to say cool stuff like “Here Be Dragons.” Now they just say bullshit like “Portugal.”
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Fact: Canadians are legally allowed to be late for work once a week for ‘reindeer related delays.’
Meet coffee….
This was my hot friend I was telling you about.
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
I think it’s time I find myself a new inspiration, asking myself “what would Batman do?” gets me in too much trouble
Wife: Honey, I’m upstairs!
*undresses on the run like Superman*
Be right up!
*stands naked in doorway*
Wife: Do you remember…
Pam: Hi
My son’s favorite meal is what he calls ‘mommy toast’ which is when I make him toast but I have to pretend it’s for me and he steals it off my plate
“I have a pleasure room, would you like to see it?”
Him: “…That’s a refrigerator”
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: Could a drunk person do this? *I just piss my pants*
Cop: WOW. Yes actually.
Me: That was supposed to be a backflip
Me *walks in a perfectly straight line and then smiles at cop* told you I could do it!
Cop: you’re still getting arrested for murder though
People are starting to relax about coronavirus. I coughed at the grocery store and only one person tased me.
Me: Im still mad at you for last night
Hub: Well Today is the 1st. Which means that happened last month. Which means youre being ridiculous
Judge “The defendant must answer in his own voice.”
Dummy “This is my own voice.”
Ventriloquist “I’d like to request separate lawyers.”
Cashier: And how are you today?
Me: Incandescent with rage. You?
My new pajamas have no pockets. I don’t want to hear your problems.
Why I’m no longer allowed to pick outdoor games me and the kids play
8yo: Gotcha, Daddy
Me: (in a huff from running) Ok, so I have to stay place, now?
9yo: yes
Me: So I don’t have to run around anymore?
9yo: right…
Me: SWEET
9yo: is this why you keep picking freeze tag?!
My cat sleeps next to her food bowl and it inspired me to move my bed to the kitchen
Bacardi, no sugar is how I take my coffee.
When my wife and I married we both agreed we would never go to sleep angry.
Neither of us has slept in 16 years.
Her: I always knew I was going to be a mummy. I feel like I’ve been preparing for this my whole life. Is that the same for you?
Me: Well, I gained the baby weight preemptively if that counts?
NO, YOU GET THE HELL OFF YOUR PROPERTY.
those who pour milk into the bowl then add the cereal are villains at heart. we all know the correct way is to pour the milk directly into the box of cereal
Me when the batteries in my tv remote die: I must replace you instantly
Me when the batteries in my smoke alarm die: how do I disable this useless piece of shit
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an accountant
Me: oh nice
Date: thanks
Me:
Date:
Me: so how many ants have u counted so far
Pregnancy tests make me wish peeing on things answered more questions.
if i can have dinner w anyone dead and alive, i’d pick kate middleton
Waking up in my 20s: shoot I have a pimple
Waking up in my 30s: shoot I have unresolved trauma in my lower back
Perfection.
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo asks for a hug, I just wish she didn’t always wait until she’s mid-poop to ask.
My husband said he needed his shirt ironed, so like a good wife, I brought him the iron and he asked for the ironing board too. We have an ironing board?
Enough with the fist bumping. I never understand what is happening. This time I held my hands open because I thought he was giving me M&Ms