Me: I’ll start work early so I can stop working earlier
Also me: *just works twice as many hours cuz I started earlier
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I get all my cardio the old fashioned way; by running from my problems.
[ultrasound]
Dr: your baby is 7mm in length
Me [whispering to wife]: ask him
Wife [sighs]: what is that in fruit sizes?
Me: This “Fear the Walking Dead” show is really creepy.
Wife: This is the Video Music Awards.
Every room is a panic room if someone over 40 in there ate cheese in the last hour
*slow jams playing in the background
Her: take off my pants
Me: oh my bad, right, ok I totally thought these were mine.
True friendship is when you walk into someone’s house, and your WiFi connects automatically..
Oh to be a whale and just have my food periodically float into my mouth
I dont know how to break this to my kids, but I think we should see other families.
I know exactly how President Obama feels. Every time my kids are forced to listen to me, they make angry Republican faces.
I love the originality of Jack-in-the-Box’s marketing. Name one other fast food chain with a clown for a mascot.
passport control: you don’t look anything like your picture
incredible hulk: THE FLIGHT WAS DELAYED
College Daughter: Hey dad can you help me with a question on my physics homework?
Me [in my 3rd hour of trying to help my 5th grader with her Common Core Math]: OH THANK GOD SOMETHING EASY
[flies trespassing in my house] release the frogs.
Fake nerd girl: I love Star Wars! I’m a big fan!
True fan: Oh yeah? Harass five cast members. I’ll wait
I was just on a date with a woman and, while showing me a video on her phone, saw she received a text that said “well, looks aren’t everything.” Oof
Congratulations to the people who never took their Christmas decorations down you’re almost there
what is your most benign unpopular opinion? i don’t mean like “the earth is flat” type of unpopular opinion, i mean like “I think golden retrievers are annoying” unpopular opinion
Don’t leave me alone.
Alone: I have a boyfriend.
*Sneezes*
Dating: Bless you
Engaged: You’re adorable
Married: We need to talk
Who called it sex ed and not getting an edufornication?
me: so what’s the policy on backpack snacks
skydiving instructor: absolutely not
5: I love this pizza. can you marry food?
Lint Bizkit #LaundrySongsAndBands
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of using our years of education to change the world we can be butlers to tiny people who won’t stop screaming at us.
Ever take a look at @thefunnytweeter? I’m honored that they have some of my tweets on a page.
In elementary I got all the chicks because my box of crayons had a built-in sharpener. Been on a dry spell ever since. Just me & my crayons.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a librarian.
Me: *doesn’t talk again all night*
“Sookie!”
-70% of True Blood dialogue
netflix 2 days after a new show comes out: “the show has already been watched for one trillion minutes, making it the most successful entertainment property in human history, which is why we’re sharing the news with a heavy heart that it has not been renewed for a second season”
Anyone else walk around the house yelling random things so you get weird ads on social media?