Someday archeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think that it was some type of bizarre mouse worshipping kingdom.
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What does it mean when you’re flirting with a guy and he’s just crying and holding up a crucifix?
My cat just showed it’s holiday spirit by pooping tinsel.
Bartender: What can I get you, gorgeous?
Me: The blood of all my enemies.
Bartender:
Me:
Bartender:
Me: Miller Light
I found if you put the right stickers on your cooler and walk as fast as you can they’ll let you in any part of the hospital you want.
It’s woman law if another woman tells you your outfit is cute and you got a deal on it you must tell them where you got it and how much it cost.
I want to be a Walmart greeter just so I can tell customers who come in “everyone enters, but not everyone leaves”
My dad just asked me if Nicki Minaj is claymation. Didn’t have an answer.
Last night, I hid the Oreos under my son’s folded clothes in a basket and asked him to put it away… which he SWEARS he did.
Now he’s standing in front of the pantry freaking out that the Oreos are gone. Who wants to tell him?
The human body is 98% water.
So I’m not fat,
Just well hydrated.
King Midas: *turns something to gold for the first time* Au yeah
Me: I’ll do anything to get healthy this year.
Doctor: Are you willing to cut down on sugar, bread, and alcohol?
Me: Let’s revisit this again next year.
My son feels about broccoli the way I feel about having to make a phone call.
Love listening to 29 year olds say they are old.
Me: do you love natural peanut butter, but hate stirring it?
Construction Boss: I’m not questioning the concept, it’s just not your cement mixer
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
Mailman: *handing me a heavy package* what the hell is in here
Me: what?
Mailman: what’s in the package
Me: oh I thought u meant my house
Mailman: no haha
Me: I was gonna say my bed and tables and stuff lol
Mailman: for real what is it
Me: oh bowling balls without holes
[two astronauts in space station]
“What’s that?”
Just a hurricane
“And that?”
Great Wall of China
“And that over there?”
Drake’s eyebrows
*breaks into museum*
*sprays fine mist to show alarm lasers*
*plays a sweet jam on boombox*
*krumps right into each beam*
girl [smiling]: hey, how are you!?
me [visibly nervous]: not much!
Just so we’re all clear: NASA is getting a direct feed from a robot on Mars, but I still can’t make a cell phone call from my basement.
I hate to brag, but I just had some sizzling hot, steamy action in the shower.
(Tried to clear the drain with baking soda, vinegar and boiling water)
Doctor: how do you stay active?
Me: I just jiggle the mouse every 5min
ME: you look great tonight
DATE: the average woman eats six to nine pounds of lipstick over her lifetime
ME: [nervously flipping thru menu] i don’t think they serve that here
How much do you want to bet that the inventor of the Lazy Susan has an ex-wife named Susan?
*gets into any creepy van*
*Gets kicked out*
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
Life Coach: Tell me something you’ve done that’s amazing
Me: Once I sneezed so loud in a restroom, a paper towel dispensed automatically
[driving home from a party]
MRS. ELEPHANT: you’re still upset aren’t you
MR. ELEPHANT: i can’t believe they just ignored us like that
MRS. ELEPHANT: they aren’t worth it, just forget it
MR. ELEPHANT: *slams steering wheel* you know I can’t do that linda
Elon Musk: [throws soup out a window]
Chef: OMG VEGETABLE STOCK IS PLUMMETING
Lord give me the strength to stop buying a sausage roll every single time I pass somewhere that sells sausage rolls.