[trying to get out of date]
ME: Oh sorry, I have a missed call from 911
HIM: That’s not how-
ME: *mouthing* IT’S AN EMERGENCY
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At work, my colleagues are well-educated, dedicated professionals who do their best to assure quality and a positive result.
At home, my colleague is a 4yo who gets underfoot as I work in the yard—but who yells at every passerby “I’M HELPING DADDY!!!”
I like this way better.
On Valentine’s evening I usually stay in and watch a romantic movie. You know, like American Psycho.
I thought that I heard you laughing.
I thought that I heard you sing.
I think I thought I saw you try to parallel park for twenty minutes.
dracula is the original vampire, which means all other vampires are technically his kids. but has he ever paid child support?? dracula is nothing but a deadbeat dad, that’s why he can’t look at himself in the mirror, he’s too ashamed
It’s bedtime so naturally my 6 year old is asking how many days we’ll stay alive.
Mo’ money mo’ problems might be true, but I’d still like to find out for myself.
Please refrain from telling elderly election volunteers to “work that poll”.
*rocking back and forth, trying to gather enough momentum to get out of a chair* WHO ARE YOU CALLING FAT?
[tries to eject CD 5 mins into space mission]
Houston we have a problem
I KNOW U CHEATED W/MY WIFE TOM ENJOY 12 YRS OF SMASH MOUTH U PRICK
[commercial for string cheese] do you like cheese?
me: YES
“do you like string?”
me: yes?
Sweet Jesus > Unsweetened Jesus
My 2-year old son wears a “Jurassic Park” t-shirt like he’s some big fan but I know for a fact he’s never seen it.
Don’t be a poser bro
Of course skinny jeans are canceled, after a year of quarantine no one fits in them anymore
I’m a lot like a wild Pokémon in the bedroom. I only know four moves and I come out of nowhere.
Optimus Prime: *in an auto parts store* where are your dressing rooms
Welcome to Twitter 2 point Uh oh.
how did this penguin get in my apartment??!?!
Best seat on the street 😍
When you’re watching Scooby-Doo and the scary part comes on.
Losing a loved one during the holidays is tough. My dad died during Toyotathon
Christmas movie tip. If you watch Die Hard straight after Love Actually, Alan Rickman will be punished for what he did to Emma Thompson.
Find a penny
Pick it up
All day long
You’ll have lower back pain
I can feel my cat judging me as I lick the spilt gravy off of her coat.
BOSS: I’m sorry I just don’t trust your judgment.
ME: [trying to pick up glass of water with both fists wedged in Pringles tubes] explain..
Clearly something went amiss when I said I liked an animal in the bedroom and he showed up with a raccoon.
Financial Tip: When laundering money, always separate the bills from the coins and use the delicate cycle with a gentle detergent.
Me: Dammit I’m not gonna let you die on my watch
Her: *chokes* It’s too late
Me: *leans in close* Get off my watch. It’s a Rolex.
[First day of jury duty]
*whispers to fellow juror* Psst. Hi! Sorry, first day in court haha. So when does the jester perform?
ME: Omg I love making up stupid words too!
HER: No, spelunking is a thing
ME: Ha ha, absototesly.
[On a Ferris wheel]
Him *kisses her* this is so perfect!
Her *kisses him back* and so romantic!
Me: It’s weird these things have 3 seats