Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog
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A foghorn but for people who can’t see through their own bullshit.
Me: I’ll get a cappuccino and a furtado
Barista: What’s a furtado?
Me: It’s like a bird
My left ovary feels sore… like it was working out? I guess I’d say it’s
ovary active
I was looking into party ideas for my twins 6th birthday and came across someone who does slime & glitter parties so I reported them to the police
dating after 40 is like riding a bike uphill through a blazing inferno with flat tires.
“I have a pleasure room, would you like to see it?”
Him: “…That’s a refrigerator”
You can totally cheat during board games with your kids if after 30 minutes, there is no end in sight. I’m looking at you Chutes and Ladders!
“I’ll help you clean.” my toddler threatened
ok i’ve proved i’m not a robot now you prove you’re not a human
Wait, there’s a big difference.
Did you say I look like THE Rock or did you say I look like A rock?
[friend is showing me around his city]
HIM: and that right there is the children’s hospital
ME: *struggles with this for a minute* how the hell are children running a hospital
3 things you never get back :
A word after it’s said
Time after it’s passed
Your pen if I really like it
I think more men would go to therapy if it was competitive. “Fourteen points in healthier communication? Yes! Eat my dust, Kyle! You emotionally unavailable loser!”
If I was a rapping novelist, my stage name would be Warren Piece.
Me: *winking while holding up an eggplant
Passport photographer: No
I asked my dog to marry me and he said no. I am stuck in man’s best friendzone.
(seeing your lamp) you have a pet sun! (touching it, it burns) and i see it’s not trained very well 😐
It’s like my therapist always says, “Please, put on your pants.”
[caught sneaking spaghetti into a movie theater] It’s OK, I have a medical marinara card.
[raises hand] is it ok to drink the bath water if you’ve only been in it for a few minutes
[my health teacher opens the drawer he hides his scotch in]
witch 1: i can’t find my broom
witch 2: that’s fine i can drive a stick
As I exposed my glorious chest hairs & catapulted toward the Velcro wall, I realized that I had no exit strategy.
16yo daughter; “I love listening to the oldies!”
*plays The Smiths
Me: Uncontrollable weeping
i’m at the bar pushing pint glasses off the edge like a cat until the bartender sprays me with a water bottle
Occasionally I just fall behind on something people are talking about and make a note to catch up when I have time. I’m off work this week and now understand that NYT Connections is not a dating app.
[reading death threat]
*shrugs* Anyone with spelling this bad would definitely botch a murder.
weighted blankets are not enough. hit me with a shovel
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
toothpaste is a big scam. if ur tooth falls out, it stays out. toothpaste Will Not paste it back in.