Concierge: I’m afraid we’re all booked up this evening
Me: Maybe this will change your mind *slides bill across desk*
Concierge: Sir…
Me: If you want the rest of your duck you’ll find us a table
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Just turned forty-three. I really thought I’d have a nemesis by now. There’s a duck at the park I don’t like, but that’s about it.
eve: oH IM aDaM aNd I WoNT eAT aN ApPle
adam: wow
eve: lighten up i’m just ribbing you
adam: WOW
britain’s three elite institutions
[inventing the saxophone] what if you could use a bong to play jazz
A geneticist’s refrigerator has a CRISPR drawer
*pauses show* Kids, back in my day we couldn’t watch episode after episode. We would have to wait each week on a specific day and time for a new episode and if we missed it … ARE YOU GUYS WATCHING THE SHOW ON YOUR PHONES?!
Party guest: Where should I put these kale chips and cauliflower?
Me: There’s a bag for garbage under the sink.
After Jaws, I wouldn’t go in water. After the Godfather, I wouldn’t eat at Italian restaurants. I wish I’d seen the Omen before having kids.
Me: I couldn’t eat another thing.
Narrator: Oh, she ate another thing. And then some.
My snack didn’t taste very good.
Now I’m gonna hafta cleanse the palate w a large buffalo chicken pizza for lunch
I know. Life’s tough.
Twitter: You have 87 notifications
Me: Nice
Gmail: You have 7 emails
Me: Oh FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST
“Getting fat” is absolutely a legitimate response to “what have you been up to?”
Bank Robber: Did anyone see my face?
Me: *raising hand* I’m pretty sure Barb did.
My kids slept til 7:30 on the weekend so I gave them ice cream for breakfast and let them ride their bikes in the house.
me: do dragons eat treasure? why do they want it
google: we’re doing this again?
“I have toddler-like reflexes.”
“Don’t you mean cat-like–?”
*laughs, cries, falls on face, eats Cheerio off the floor*
“No.”
Friend: just be yourself.
Me: Be myself? Be myself?!
Some of the most successful people I know aren’t myself. That’s horrible advice
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: I suffer from IBS.
F: Why are you telling me that?
M: I thought we were just stating unfortunate truths.
Who the hell named it a ” Crop-Top ” and not a ” T-short “?
[showing off my distressed jeans]
jeans: AHHHHHHHHHHH
THE POPE: i always get roof and ceiling mixed up lol
MICHELANGELO: what
I asked my wife for an audio book and she got me an encyclopaedia. That speaks volumes.
Now that he’s back, Trump’s tweeting again which begs the question, does the Pres of the United States not have an international data plan?
Slicing an avocado: “I’ll carefully carve two halves then cautiously remove the pit to avoid bruising the fruit.”
Slicing a pineapple: “I’LL SEE YOU IN HELL SPIKEYBOI!”
*prints out my most successful tweets and mails them to my ex-girlfriends*
I love how we have a big tv so my 3 kids can crowd around the tiny iPad and argue over not being able to see.
I’m gonna hug you in the face with this brick.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yeah
Cop: Oh ok nevermind
NEIGHBOR: dude, that’s the scariest costume I’ve ever seen. I love Halloween.
ME: [wiping blood off my chainsaw onto my apron] costume?
If the British had won, today we’d all be celebrating the Fouurth of July