THE POPE: i always get roof and ceiling mixed up lol
MICHELANGELO: what
You Might Also Like
*Remembering the time I took a picture of myself every day for a year without removing the lens cap*
ME: [gets into a car accident]
EMT: Sir, please step out of the vehicle, we’re trying to save lives
[Getting ready to go out]
Her: Is that what you’re wearing?
Narrator: He thought it was, but he was wrong.
Taco Bell is no longer going to be offering kids meals. Probably because kids are rarely drunk enough to want Taco Bell.
*job interview*
“Tell me about a time when you made a positive impact in your organization.”
I quit
Him: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Face of an angel, body of a marshmallow and the mouth of a sailor.
I live in Texas. If I buy four bags of ice I have approximately 3/4 of a cup of ice when I get home.
I always wonder what the nurses reaction was like after I leave a half eaten sandwich in a coma patients hand.
A kid in the park informed me smoking was bad for you.
So I popped his balloon with my cigarette & told him so was talking to strangers.
[december 31st]
me: I really don’t want toguy who made up that statistic about eating 8 spiders a year: *passing me a bowl* andrew. please.
The check engine light came on inside my oven.
Imagine being at your therapist’s office and your card declines so your therapist spends the next hour roasting you to undo all of the progress you gained through therapy
first day in the secret service. all the guys hazed me into kissing the president
First child: Eats yogurt.
Second child: Smears yogurt all over face, finger paints with yogurt on table, and gives the dog a moisturizing yogurt mask.
Someone said “30 years ago”, and my mind went to the 1970s, but they meant 1994, and now I need to lie down.
Monday
Therapist: so you pop pills all-day, eat random fruit you find on the ground, and see ghosts?
Pac-Man: *deep breath*
Apparently I need to go on a diet if I want to have room in my pockets for snacks. Why is life so hard?
Stranger: Your children are angels
Me: So was the devil
[feeling confident] *trips on a leaf*
I don’t get spin classes, you do know they make bikes that move now too?.. and you can ride to somewhere and get a beer or a sandwich… it’s way more rewarding.
Me *chatting up another mom at the playground*: What an adorable name for a boy!
Her: Thanks. We named him after our favorite water bottle company
I know my daughter is just like me because when I asked why she didn’t like her school’s guided meditation, she said: “Because don’t tell me when to breathe, that’s why.”
Hey, Facebook. Dead people can’t read your RIP shoutouts, because death.
I’d totally bang him, but how awkward would the job interview be after that?
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12 and my body possibly died in the Civil War.
Me as a kid: when I’m an adult I’m gonna stay up all night and eat whatever I want
Me as an adult: If I don’t finish this glass of water and get to bed by 9 I will die
How is there not an STD Clinic called, “Clap on Clap off”?
Look what the cat dragged in!
*freaks out remembering I don’t have a cat and house was built on top of a pet cemetery*
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.