first day in the secret service. all the guys hazed me into kissing the president
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gonna pet so many people’s dogs while they’re distracted looking at the eclipse
Friend:*terrified* don’t make a sound and maybe the killer won’t find us
Me: *quietly tries to tighten velcro sneakers*
During a prostate exam #BadTimesToHighFive
High Schools: Make sure your student gets plenty of sleep
Also High Schools: Bus comes at sunrise
Got caught by three red lights on my way home and now my avocados are bad
Just heard a woman say, “I never give my dog medicine I haven’t tried first” and her friend responded, “oh, Janet, no.”
If you want to become a beatboxing champion, try zipping up a tight dress.
I enjoy long walks on the beach and that thing you just did with that banana.
Dropped my son for his first day of kindergarten today. Does anybody know what age you’re supposed to pick them up?
Explained how to make an April Fools Day joke to Miss 9.
“Mummy, you look pretty today.”
If you’re on the fence about becoming a parent.
“ARGHH A HOUSE SPIDER”
[spider removes earbuds]
“yah actually im more into ambient trance but whatever”
Me: wow
Wife: *lording over the many amazon boxes* it is a bountiful harvest
My son continued to wear his earbuds shopping with me after I told him not to so he didn’t hear me say I was leaving.
Hope he finds a ride home.
Him: Amazon Prime and chill?
Her: That’s not something people say.
Him: Sure it is. Bing it.
Her: Also not a thing.
[a door mysteriously slams shut]
me: *spooked* what was that
the ghost haunting my home: just me still haunting lol
me: thank goodness I thought I left a window open
*feels the wind in my toe hair
Imagine me with poor grammar. Wrong. Worser.
When an employer says they’re offering competitive salary I assume we’re all gonna assemble in the breakroom for medieval combat.
Just saw a license plate that said “LUV SLUG.” I hope it shrivels up when they salt the roads in the winter.
8yo: Geez Mom. Haven’t you ever heard of privacy?
Me: Not since you were born.
I’ve accidentally set up push notifications for the BBC science magazine and it’s like being followed about by an inquisitive but annoying child
When the intruder towards Virat Kohli at Eden Gardens – VK couldn’t control his laugh seeing policeman’s reaction 😂
Took our cat to the vet today and, once again, she “forgot” her wallet.
[talking to the 911 operator after crashing my hearse into a lake] yea there’s another guy in here lol he’s already dead tho hahaha
[Home Depot staff meeting]
BOSS: Someone has been breaking all the wood. Any idea who it is?
ME: [tightening my green karate belt] Probably someone pretty strong.
Shrek 5 should be a multiverse team-up with Gamora, the Grinch, the Hulk, the Jolly Green Giant, Kermit, an Orion dancer, Oscar, Mike Wazowski, Baby Yoda, Non-Baby Yoda, & that guy who won’t shut up about his one Irish grandparent.
Me: I’ve applied for Canadian citizenship
Him: You’ll be sorry
Me: I sure hope so
I hope the ghost of Michael Jackson Hee-Hee’s in your ear while you tryna sleep
Mad Max Arctic Road
“Everything’s fine,” the babysitter said into the phone. “But can I cover up the weird clown statue in your hallway?”
“Get out of the house, I’m calling the police,” the father urgently replied. “You have disrespected my clown statue and I hate you.”