[being stared at by a bunch of guys as I bathe in an airport washroom] can someone get my back please?
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Who told cauliflower it can be anything it wants?
adobe: i see you wish to draw a circle. let’s use 87% of your available memory for that
microsoft: i see you are using 87% of your available memory. let’s download a massive mystery update
Right now, someone likes something you don’t and other people are agreeing. You just gonna sit there and let that happen?
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
at my local diner ordering eggs “gorilla” style and refusing to explain further
The average human walks 900 miles per year and drinks 22 gallons of coffee.
This means that the average human gets 41 miles per gallon.
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
People moaning about the weather at least it’s not snowing. Imagine shovelling snow in this heat.
Fear not, ugly caterpillar. For one day you will become a beautiful butterfly
[emerges from cocoon]
AH WTF I’M A MOTH THIS IS BULLSHIT
i wear a mask when i sleep, because who knows who’s going to come into an Arby’s bathroom this close to the highway
I think with my tax refund this year I’ll buy a commercial freezer because the bodies keep falling out of the smaller ones and it scares the dog.
Mankind is capable of unimaginable feats of engineering and yet the windows on the airplane never line up with the seats.
me: so did it hurt?
her: yes, a lot
me: when i splashed that salsa in your eye?
her: I SAID YES
customs agent:
Anything to declare?me:
Yes, I really miss my dog.
Castro: I will not die until America is destroyed
Trump: I’m gonna be the president
Castro: well then
*takes off sunglasses*
Me: Okay, weigh me now.
Talking scales: *sigh* You weigh the same but look a lot less cool.
I plan on being Batman for Halloween.
And now that I’ve told you all this, I realize I’m actually one shitty Batman.
My 4yo asserts dominance by aggressively putting snacks in my hand so she can take dance breaks
[on date]
HER: I cant see u anymore
ME (hiding under table): lol I know
H: no I mean I cant see u anymore
M (still under table): lol I know
My wife and I couldn’t agree about whether or not I’m her hero. She’s in the bathroom right now and I’ve hid the toilet paper. We’re about to resolve this.
I’m doing zoom therapy at my mom’s house while she’s in the other room so I guess it’s dad’s fault today
*personally visits the 7 friends who continually trap me in a rather chatty text message group & punches each of them in the face*
I can make it rain with these here birthing hips.
As in I keep knocking the papers off my desk every time I walk by it.
this husky was supposed to learn how to swim, but discovered that she could just float instead
(jukin media)
You can drink screwdrivers and get hammered while watching Saw and hoping you get nailed. The English language is fun
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
A corn maze, because the only thing worse than trying to get kids to eat vegetables is trying to get them to walk endlessly through vegetables.
my mother has a medical podcast where she self diagnoses her ailments it’s called my voicemail and it happens every morning at 9 am.
Anonymous just switched everyone in Isis from Amazon Prime shipping to basic shipping. Good luck getting Fallout 4 by Christmas terrorists!
I played Dodgeball…
I got Bullied….
I ate Gluten…
I didn’t get Participation Trophies…
I turned out fine…
So will your kid…