me: i need a new hat to wear for when i go sailing on my yacht
salesman: cap size?
me: i hope not
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*Baby presses ‘snooze’ to stay in womb extra 10 minutes*
My boss tries to motivate me by saying I should treat every day like it’s my first.
So I keep making mistakes.
My 4yo has been wrapping up his toys in newspaper and giving them to me as gifts all morning.
Really wishing right now I had bought him better shit.
interviewer: what’s your biggest strength?
me: flattery
interviewer: uh ok and your biggest weakness?
me: that smile
interviewer: 😳
My daughter is grounded for eternity and she just asked me the life expectancy of an adult male who smokes cigarettes and drinks too much coffee…
{On Tinder}
ADAM: *Swipes right*
EVE: *Swipes left*
GOD [clears throat and presses intercom]: Eve can i have a word with you please
As a parent, you learn to accept you can’t run away from your problems. They will find you. And they will demand fruit snacks.
If the US ever decides to change its currency from the dollar to the unmatched tupperware lid I’ll be a very wealthy man.
GPS: You’re not really lost, you just want someone to talk to.
Microwave safe? It doesn’t seem like a sensible place to keep your valuables.
Cow Scientist: Sir, we’ve discovered a deadly aMOOOba infecting our milk. It has a very high MOOOtality rate and it’s rapidly MOOOtating
Cow President: *grimly* Holy cow
I think a better question is- Where’s Waldo’s parents?? That dude is constantly getting lost in large crowds…
You never know how strong you are…until your power steering goes out.
My GF just passed the Bar. Not only will I be a stay at home Dad Im suing everyone.
“SOMEBODY had a lot of time on their hands.” What dull people say about creative people.
Me: That guy is a bad apple.
6-year-old: He’s a person.
Me: I just meant he’s mean.
6: Probably because you called him an apple.
ALLIGATOR: I’m gonna eat you
ME: But we could be friends. You could be my palligator
A: Ok for that I’m gonna somehow try to eat you twice
The irony of my 12-year-old son pointing out that there is a spot on his cutlery while he hasn’t showered in a week is delicious.
WHAT I SAY: that’s one way of looking at it
WHAT I MEAN: in the history of stupid things said by stupid people, what just came out of your mouth is, by far, the stupidest. If there were stupidity trophies, yours would be gold plated and set atop a plinth reading STUPID.
Me, a mature adult: hee hee that football announcer said “reach around and squeeze it from the back”.
Day 4: I’ve finally completed all my New Year’s resolutions from ’97.
I celebrate International Women’s Day by visiting my local CVS and torching all their ‘JUST FOR MEN’ products while screaming: “NOT TODAY!”
According to this box of spaghetti I am an Italian family of 8
lil red riding hood: the Internet told me there are two wolves inside of you
granny: *sweating* haha what I don’t even have one haha who reads things on the Internet
[Job interview]
“You list communication as a strength”Yes
“Care to elaborate?”
No
[work email]
Me: Can I meat the new guy?
Boss: Meet? Okay, sure…
Me: Great!*hides bag of steaks*
At this point the virus has more names than a guy hiding from his wife on twitter.
A model citizen is just like a regular citizen that doesn’t eat.
Friend: Call me when you wake up
[3 days later]
Me: Okay I’m up!