Me, a mature adult: hee hee that football announcer said “reach around and squeeze it from the back”.
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interviewer: what are your strengths?
me: I know where you live
Government Shutdown: Day Two
Mars rover Curiosity sits with nothing to do.
Watches all 5 seasons of “The Wire”.
Totally gets the hype now.
My favourite child is the one who just told me I’m so funny. Don’t know her name yet but she lives down the street.
If these walls could talk I bet it would be gibberish cause these walls are plastered.
It sucks you can’t google something happening in your life. What does my neighbor Derek do for work
ME: Guess who was just promoted to be the new CEO!
COWORKER: Amanda.
ME: Why would you assume it’s a man?
I have about 5 different personalities and not one of them can find my car keys.
If I’m reading their lips correctly, it looks like my neighbors are having an argument about the creepy guy next door.
[sermon]
There will come a day when Christ will drive out evil from our land, and it will be the Judgment Day!
*T-1000 shifts nervously*
KATY PERRY: Can I use a real tiger?
NFL: No way, that would be dumb.
KATY PERRY: Oh I’ll show you dumb.
The best place on the internet is the reviews of hats for cats because every review is like “5 stars, amazing hat” and then a picture of the cat looking absolutely furious
[at the mall]
“I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?”
“Sure, what’s his name?”
“Xander.”
“See, that’s why he ran off.”
Didn’t think my children listened at all but my 3yo shouted from the back seat, “these people don’t know how to drive!” so now I know he listens to his Dad.
Lost in the desert, you scan the horizon with your device. To the east, you see the leaning tower of Pisa. To the west, you see the familiar pillars of Stonehenge. That’s when you realize you should have brought binoculars instead of a Viewmaster.
dog 911: what’s ur emergency?
dog: I JUST ATE CHOCOLATE
dog 911: OMG WAS IT GOOD?
dog: [whimpering]
dog 911: ok ok. go eat some grass
[Audition for the musical Cats]
Director: Act like a cat for me
Me: I’m not doing anything to impress you
Director: Perfect
My wife complains that I never open the car door for her, but when I do she’s all, “Stop it, you’re driving too fast! We’re on a bridge!”
Gym instructor: It’s never too late to start working out.
Me: Fantastic! I’ll start tomorrow.
Age is just a number in the same way that a killer whale is just a fish.
How did we not see this back then?
[me complaining about how many apps on my phone are purple] like I really gotta look before I press it ya know
[guy 911 told me to keep talking to till the paramedics arrive] definitely annoying
Finally I have an excuse for getting fat, heard on radio about girl who been eating in her sleep … That’s it, I’ve got that !
something magical should happen if you eat enough saltwater taffy. maybe a mermaid drags you into the ocean
8, peering closely at me: what’s that?
Me: my necklace
8: How do you know?
Texts from mom:
Thanks to the supreme court, now it’s not just women who won’t marry you.
Why do prescription pills always say “by mouth?” Where else would people put th…
Ooooooh.
*in the basement organizing LEGO by color and size*
My child: Can I help?
Me: *straight up hissing noises*
If the lever on your toaster breaks off and your bread starts burning, can you pry it out with a butter knife? The answer may shock you.
Personal Trainer: What do you want to work on today?
Me: To stop getting the name of the exercises wrong
Personal Trainer: Anything else?
Me: plonks, plunges, and squaps
My son just threatened to not talk to me for the rest of the day.
I’m 3% offended and 97% hoping he follows through.