Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What is worse than your GF sending you a text to ” Break Up ” ?
Another text saying ” Sorry, that wasn’t for you ! ”
😂😂😂

Weird that humans evolved shins long before we’d need to find furniture in the dark

[1st date]

Me: [putting my jacket over my dates shoulders]

Her: “Thank you but I’m not cold”

Me: [covering her awful dress] “Yes you are”

Me: *tries to sneak a pic of someone but forgets flash is on

Did you just take my picture?

Me: *starts to make thunder noises

If breakfast is the most important meal of the day, what does that make the rest of them?

Is lunch like the middle child of meals? Never getting any attention.

Is dinner the child that tried to follow in the footsteps of breakfast? Failed miserably and ended up a drunk instead?

I also bought this ice cream today, partially because I wanted ice cream and partially because it made me laugh.

If I was a microplastic I would simply not go in the ocean or anyone’s mouth.

ME: I hate when I look in the mirror and I don’t like the person looking back.

THERAPIST: That’s a window. You’re staring at our gardner, Gary.

Take your age and add 5 years to it.

That is your age in 5 years.

Angel: They’re gonna shave you & make stuff outta your hair
Sheep: OK
Angel: They’re gonna ride on your back & use you to pull things
Horse: Got it
Angel: And you–
Cow: You got anything a little kinky?
Angel: Oh we got you covered

Any wife can be a trophy wife if you bring her to a Taxidermist.

me at age 15: (stressed, worried about prom every day)

me now: (carefree, think about prom maybe twice a week tops)

The life lesson I most regret instilling in my children is “never give up.” There are days when my ability to guess which random object my toddler is hiding behind her back determines if I’m late to work or not.

Me: *Eating eggs*

Fertility Doctor: That’s disgusting

*friend gets divorced Mon*
*friend goes on date Tues*

*I break up with boyfriend*
*15 years later I casually smile back at a stranger*

me: *jumping out of a cake*

guy in next urinal: DUDE

The ankle monitor stays on during sex, but only because it has to.

11y/o: Thanks for packing my lunch today, but next time…I’m gonna need more chocolate.

Narrator: But there was not more chocolate…In fact, there’s never more chocolate…For, her mother, eats it all.

JESUS: And lo, I have fed 5000 of you with 5 fishes and 2 loaves
“AMAZING!”
“A MIRACLE!”
ME: *slowly raises hand* So do we get dessert or

I’m a bad influence on myself.

😏😏😏

Paul is coming over tonight

Paul smith or Paul who puts ketchup on everything?

[car pulls into driveway covered in ketchup]

wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i speak so quietly?
wife: well you could at least say something

I don’t always drink tequila but when I do, where the hell are my clothes?

8: Can we have peanut butter sandwiches?

Me: No peanut butter allowed in the house. Daddy is allergic to peanuts

8: Can we buy some after he dies?

Me: Sure

ME: [gets into a car accident]

EMT: Sir, please step out of the vehicle, we’re trying to save lives

Your boss will respect you more if you sometimes disagree, especially if you touch their face and say “You silly goose.”

With sufficient velocity, any object can be an effective weapon. Unfortunately this kitten is not cooperating.

I do my best parenting lying down (allowing my kids to sleep in the bed with me so they don’t come in and wake me up at 5 am)

Waiter: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have an appetizer called Jenga.

A bunch of termites in a trench coat: Then we..I mean I will have the salmon on the cedar plank, hold the salmon