Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I want my boyfriend to get a tattoo on his neck so I won’t have to worry about him getting a job and not having time to hang out with me.

I don’t understand why people get excited about carbon dating.

But then perhaps I just haven’t met the right pencil.

[lawyer whispers to plaintiff]
two can play this game
“Your honor. Upsexy.”
Judge: what’s upsexy?
“that’s harassment. move to change venues”

ME: [trying to console a friend whose house has been demolished] Cheer up, bulldozing is the sincerest form of flattery

a house doesn’t have to be haunted to scare me, I’ve seen the listing prices.

[Called daughter’s phone. Got voicemail greeting.]

IN THE EXACT VOICE OF DORA THE EXPLORER

11: Hola! Soy Dora! Can you. Find. The end button?

Every time someone says, “at least it’s a dry heat,” I want to stab them with a box cutter.

*at least it’s a short knife.

At a restaurant: “Would you like a table?” “No, not at all. I came here to eat on the floor. Carpet for 5 please.”

I’m so used to sleeping on my right side that if I switch to my left, my insides feel like a room full of furniture trying to violently escape a haunted house.

[sending nudes] I swear it’s not gonna be a photo of my cat

Salad is by far the lamest type of bar.

All the Kings men: we need some kind of adhesive

All the kings horses: why is everyone looking at us

I’m sorry this birthday cake suffered a severe accident where my hand fell into it and a chunk of it filled my mouth.

I don’t wish my ex-husband ill. I just hope he can’t ever find a parking spot and that his food is never quite the right temperature.

accidentally signed off an important email with “all the vest”

“so what brings you to therapy today?”

*eating a brick of cheese like a stick of butter, which I eat like a burrito, which I eat like an ear of corn*

jokingly asked my coworker why the flag outside our building was at half mast today and he completely seriously said “for James Earl Jones i think?”

There are two types of people: Those who are always ten minutes early and those who think it only takes ten minutes to get anywhere, and they marry each other.

[NASA March 1970]

Me: 13’s unlucky. What if something bad happens?

NASA: dude why would you say that out loud!?!

[NASA April 1970]

[everyone in the Apollo 13 Mission Control slowly turns to look at me]

Today my 3yo said that we should celebrate because today is my last birthday… WAIT YOU LITTLE NOSTRADAMUS SHIT WHAT DO YOU KNOW?

My 5yo was kind enough let me know that breakfast was gross but she liked the texture

If you’d like to be left alone just carry a doll everywhere you go.

Dances with Wolves is not about famous wolves competing for a mirror ball trophy. I know that now.

angel: whatcha making?

god: *plugging a snake into an electrical outlet* eel

Daughter steals my iPad so I left Google open on “too many kids” & “making it look accidental.” Found my iPad but haven’t seen her all day.

5yo just asked for, and I quote, “two fingers of milk” if you’re wondering how parenting during lockdown is going

Sorry I put black eyeliner on your baby, but honestly, look at how edgy it is now.

I tried to let the wine breathe but it needed mouth to mouth.

So who’s the hero now?

It’s only August and I’m already tired of watering my plants. Makes me wonder how my daughter has lasted 18 years.