adobe: i see you wish to draw a circle. let’s use 87% of your available memory for that
microsoft: i see you are using 87% of your available memory. let’s download a massive mystery update
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I’m tired of people asking how I wrecked my car. That’s just the way it looks.
[in car]
Wife: Dont tell ur arm story
Me: Im gonna stick to humorous stories 2nite babe
*at party*
AND THAT’S WHEN MY HUMOROUS BROKE IN HALF
[Job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Who closes the door when the bus driver gets off the bus?
Interviewer: Holy shit
Me: You ate radishes.
Friend: How can you tell?
Me: You’re burping them.
F: They were really good radishes.
Me: Not from where I’m standing.
Financial independence now means getting your kids to eat most of their meals at the neighbors house
Sure I could get off the couch & put new batteries in this remote but instead I am going to hold it high above my head & at different angles
*putting fish sticks in a bowl
Anything can be cereal if you pour milk over it
Rt to bother an English speaker
The year is 2044. After trillions of dollars and thousands of lives lost, the SpaceX program lands a man on Mars.
Mars: I have a boyfriend
Someone should tell the Twitter ads I’m getting I can afford the next sub sandwich not ocean going vessel.
Why isn’t there a roomba that cuts grass? Probably some stupid law about sending a blade wielding robot out into the neighborhood.
If anyone wants a more cost effective energy provider, I can supply endless energy on tap from my absolutely not tired child at bedtime.
A coworker just complained that nobody was talking to her and I really wish I had her kind of problems.
I taught my 1yo how to turn on my mother-in-law’s dishwasher since she only uses it for storage.
*taps on a super old dude’s oxygen tank* you know that you can get this stuff for free right
[Robot Uprising]
Human: Oh no a robot! What kind are you?
Robot: I am a counting machine
Human: Oh thank g—
Robot: Now killing human #53822
Cop: seen anything unusual?
Me: a dolphin with a hat once
Cop: I mean around here
Me: nah they live in water
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
im VERY laid back. i only care about 2 things:
every person on earth & their opinion of me
the crushing psychological weight of being alive
Just think, Someone comes to you, opens buttons of your shirt, stares at you from top to bottom and then leaves.
That’s how fridges feel.
“Cu Later!” – a guy who wants some Copper, but not right now.
[commercial for evaporated milk]
IS YOUR MILK TOO WET?
Hacker 1: She wrote her password recovery questions.
H2: So?
H1: “Fav Law of Thermodynamics?” There’s more than one?
H2: F this. Who’s next?
It should be illegal for ATMs to show you your balance without your consent
Fun: text friend Are you alone right now? They go Yes. Then u text back LOL
If I ever got a horse I would name her Grace, just in case I ever fell from her.
Why do people say raw sewage. Saying raw makes it sound like it becomes better if cooked properly.
My husband left me on read and it’s been 22 minutes.
If he wanted a divorce he could have just asked me like a rational human being.
[the afterlife]
Me: So, this is heaven!
*sees husband* whoa whoa whoa, what’s he doing here?! The contract said til death parts us!Angel: *chuckling*
Me: omg. this is hell, isn’t it.
“‘ey kid READ THE SIGN!”