Why don’t we just stick an “a” in there and finally start calling it what it is…. “Moanday”
You Might Also Like
Blackout curtains because I’ll decide what time it is.
I’m giving up ice.
A protected acct with 0 followers just followed me. Mom, is that you?
I have a picture of Leonard Nimoy holding a kitten.
I call it Spock and Aww.
Thank you. Goodnight, everybody.
If my husband asks, we took a lit course together in college
Me: No work tomorrow so I’m sleeping in.
Kids: LOL
Dog: LOL
Brain: LOL
Bladder: LOL
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
I’m just a girl adding $132 worth of merchandise to my cart so I don’t have to pay the $10 shipping charge.
Break up by making swimming motion arms every time they want to hold hands.
Took me 5 minutes to pick up the soap I dropped in the shower so I hope I never commit a felony.
This is hilarious….
People:
I’m leaving Twitter, no telling when I’m coming ba…
I’m back.
hey (with the intention of telling Jude not to make it bad)
[showing off the 13” dildo i found in the dumpster behind 7/11] he’s a rescue
My kid’s piano teacher told me he liked my Halloween shirt and I told him thanks but this is just how I dress.
They should invent clothes that get fat with you
My son: When my friends are over, you’re mom. When it’s just me at home, you’re mommy.
My son, 30 seconds later: Mommy, why are you crying?
Said the murderer.
stop
You make me want to be a better sentence completer.
On our way back from hotel pool, door card doesn’t work. Francophone BF heads to reception to get new card and returns.
Him: Wow, there was a huge line up at reception but when I told them I had a wet girlfriend waiting at the door they all let me in..
when someone calls you and you miss the call but you call them back literally one second later and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did you drop your telephone in a well. did you get axe murdered.
🤷🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️😩
Men what’s stopping you from dressing like ’80s horror movie hunks
*Throws all 900 baby items in garbage*
*Buys Magic 8 Ball*
*Whispers*, This is how we raise you now.
That’s *exactly* what Meghan Markle would say.
This woman named Amanda who lives above me burns her dinner nearly every night and it makes my apt smell like a fire pit so I’ve been calling her Burnie Manders behind her back to make myself feel better about it
Toddlers will take your last nerve, deep fry it and eat it for breakfast.
So many designer dogs now-
Cavapoos, labradoodles, chugs …When is someone going to cross a
Bulldog and Shih Tzu ?That’s Bullshit.
Mugger: Give me everything you got
Me: Hope you like a low credit score and insomnia