Fitbits are just Tamagotchi except the stupid animal ur trying to keep alive is u
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Me: *flips pillow to the cool side*
Cool Side of the pillow:
BEAT IT NERD!
Me: *flips pillow back to the nerd side*
I wouldn’t complain if I died, mostly because I’d be dead.
My kids got to know me a little more yesterday. They learned my first pet’s name, my high school mascot, where I was born, my mother’s maiden name. Even after learning all these things, they still weren’t able to hack into my email account.
DATING IN YOUR 20’S
“It’s not going to work out I don’t like the way he chews”
DATING IN YOUR 30’S
“It wasn’t even a felony and he was never convicted. Also living at home makes sense bc it allows him to be close to his mom & it’s walking distance to the Pizza Hut he works at”
*looks out the window, sees bubonic plague is back*
Mondays, amirite?
Please take the smartphone away from your pets, they are spamming your Facebook with selfies.
Me: We appreciate things to the extent that we’re deprived of them. To put it another-
Wife: You ate my chocolate cake, didn’t you?
Me: Yes.
Captured by terrorists tied up to a chair with a pillowcase on my head: guys please let me go I swear I’m not a pillow
Can’t wait for the day off from work so I can sit on the couch at home and stare at the TV screen while thinking about work.
Quarantine Day 21: Turns out I don’t hate my coworkers as much as I thought I did.
Going to a wedding today:
Me: Do I look ok boys?
6: You look fine.
9: You look wow.Clearly I have work to do with the little one.
I blame cartoon elephants for influencing how I overreact when I see a mouse.
My kid wants to be Batman so bad he bought us opera tickets in a bad neighborhood.
*Draws happy eyebrows on my dog*
Gravy boats are the opposite of boats
God: Another epidemic will be unleashed on them for I am not pleased.
Angel 1: A drought?
Angel 2: A famine?
God: Release the Murder Hornets, right now!
A1: During the plague?
A2: Savage AF.
Me and the fellas making welcome gift baskets for the aliens.
Twitter is composed of all the kids who used to giggle in sex ed
god I wish I was the person I believed I could be when I bought all this produce
I’m giving you my two weeks’ notice.
Husband: …
Amazon Review: A History of Criminals
★★★☆☆Not a bad book. Prose and cons.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
By 33, you’d think I’d have figured out at some point along the way where to put my arms when I sleep.
[arriving in hell]
him: so what did you do?
me: *wearing a v neck t-shirt under a v neck pullover* no idea
Long job application should let me clock in to finish them
Would love to see a reality show where they promise the prize will “change contestants lives FOREVER”…and it’s a brain swap with a cow.
This took me a second..
This guy at the gym just did 3 sets of selfies.
She’s got a great personality!
It’s the other 6 personalities that I’m worried about….
Okay. What I don’t get is, is dressing up as a ghost and scaring people away from your amusement park actually illegal? Just because some teenagers and a dog say so?