Doctor: Step on the scale.
Me, 1st pregnancy: With or without my shoes?
Me, 2nd pregnancy: With or without the jacket?
Me, 3rd pregnancy: With or without the rotisserie chicken?
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The worst thing about marriage is how it makes you start snoring. I never snored when I was single…
People who say ‘mayo’ instead of ‘mayonnaise’ live 12 years longer cos of all the time they save
My insurance agent just told me that I’m “high risk” to insure on account of me getting stuck in dryers on a regular basis
I think if someone said they could read my mind, I’d be like “I am truly sorry!”
Sorry man, I wasn’t trying to kiss you. You just had melted cheese stuck in your beard and I couldn’t help myself
Every once in a while in a bag of peanut m&m’s you get that one roundboi that has no peanut and it’s just a thicc m&m and that’s the m&m i’d like to be if I were an m&m
If you’re short on time in the morning, pouring a little gasoline in your toaster will make it cook faster.
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
JON BON JOVI: Keep the faith
ME: Um, we’re gonna need to do more than that to beat this virus
JON: Bad medicine is what I need
ME: Can someone take Jon home please
Wife : I wish we still had sex like we did when we first started dating.
Me: So, like, with other people?
Boss: Can I have a quick word?
Me: Rapid
Boss:
What’s the fetish called when you can only get off if Gordon Ramsey is yelling at you that your risotto is garbage?
Imagine if America cut open the Statue of Liberty and found skeletons inside and it turned out the French had just failed a trojan mission.
me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son
wife: of course not, where is he
me: I just told you
Parents: when naming a boy, consider using a king’s name, like Mattress or Burger.
me: how was your camping trip
5 y/o: good
me: what’d you guys do
5 y/o: camped
“Put your hand on the shopping cart or I’m going to put you inside it.”
“Mom I’m right here.”
“Hand on the cart now. I don’t want you to get lost.”
“MooOoom”
“5, 4”
“I’M NOT GETTING LOST!”
“3, 2, 1”
*My mom struggles to lift me up into the cart*
“I’M 36 MOM!!”
* Grows beard to woo women *
* Receives recruitment email from ISIS *
Girl dog: I’m into bad boys
Guy dog: [remembering his owner saying how much of a good boy he is] ..oh
“Chest, chest, chest and chest, chest and chest” – T-Rex singing “Head, shoulders, knees and toes”.
The lady at McDonald’s gave me an extra pack of fries for free. I hope she is ok with the names I picked out for our children.
Sometimes I like to mess with my husband and say things like “Honey, please hand me a waffle knife” and watch him panic.
I giveth, and I taketh away. Why? Because I recycleth.
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
The dog was pooping and before he finished a woman approached me and asked “Are you going to pick this up?” I picked it up and replied to her “I have no choice, this is my food”, and I walked away.
Some girl I don’t even know has been telling people that I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship.
if your Snapchat story is just one straight minute of you driving and singing along to a song I’m showing your insurance company bc honestly I’m tired of it
People telling me “Don’t be stupid” like I have some kinda say in the matter.
Always know where the exits are in a crowded theater and your in-laws house.
I began speaking English with a French intonation after a fender bender. Well, I guess accents will happen.