Got a $15000 parking fine!!..I didn’t see a sign saying you couldn’t park on pedestrians.
You Might Also Like
My teen was complaining he had no clean clothes so I asked him what he thought he should do: “Uh, go buy new clothes?”
Have kids. It’s fun.
You learn something new everyday. Yesterday I learned eating 29 SlimJims gives me diarrhea. Today I learned eating 28 also gives me diarrhea
[first day as coast guard]
Boss: 7 people died on your watch today
Me [looking off into the distance]: yes but the coast is fine
Me: Do you have assorted cheeses?
Mom [exactly right next to me]: A sword of jesus?
Me: Yes ma, did you have a sword of jesus?
Dad [from down the hall]: We have lots of cheese in the top drawer of the fridge!
WAITER: how would you like your eggs
ME: nogged
Wife: It’s time for a vacation.
Me: Where do YOU want to go?
Wife: Hmm… Maybe the Bahamas?
Me: Great idea! And, I’LL go camping upstate!
Eucalyptus are the only plants named after what they would say if pruned
[Cannibal Restaurant]
Waiter: Need anything else?
Cannibal: No, I’m stuffed. I can’t even finish this. Could I get a body bag?
My coworker doesn’t like me which is weird bc her husband does.
I wanted to hear the pitter-patter of little feet so now my cats wear tap shoes.
I like to imagine that gymnastics competitions are just an elaborate game of ‘the floor is lava’.
and this one
My testicles are in The Guinness Book of Records. Got a few minutes before the librarian sees me.
Damn, this hole is wet
*I say right after stepping into a puddle
Psychiatrist:
“Tell me about your kids.”Me:
“Total disappointments.”Psychiatrist:
“I still think this is a conflict of interest, Dad.”
Her: Have you seen the salsa?
Me: Yes. I must have left it in the bathroom
Her:
“You gotta keep ‘em separated” – The Offspring doing their laundry
Always know where the exits are in a crowded theater and your in-laws house.
I got kicked out of another Super Bowl party for changing the channel to Forensic Files
*flashes smile*
*smile calls police*
Spiraling into madness while watching the slow texter’s dots bounce
Today, I want to talk about white couches and why ignoring the conventional wisdom was a terrible, avoidable mistake, Annie.
My 12yo daughter has a male friend in her room right now and I just heard her say the word “romance” through the door, so if you need me I’ll be knocking on their door with panic-snacks every 10 minutes and weeping salty dad-tears the rest of the time
her: i hate ultimatums
me (thought she said “old tomatoes”): well i love them, so time to decide. it’s them or me.
Why do birds
Suddenly appear
Every time
You are near?
Just like me
You’re secretly
Made of bread
DENTIST: Open
*patient opens mouth*
D: Nice! Stay open
*dentist sheds lab coat-he’s a hermit crab.Crawls in mouth*
D: New home sweet home!
*requests to be buried in jaws of T-Rex skeleton so it looks like I went out fighting*
When you think about it, Carry On My Wayward Son is very poor parenting advice. It should be more Reign It In Douchebag You’re Upsetting Your Mom but that wouldn’t sell records I suppose.
[job int]
“& what are your strengths.”
Me: lions
“Lions?”
Me: I’ll take [lion walks by the office] I- [quietly] I’ll take on any lion
Hey cell phone companies who play smooth jazz hold music hoping I’ll lose interest and give up: yeah, it’s kinda working