Buying a house has proven to be a lot like dating: All the really good ones aren’t even on the market and the rest are in need of a lot of repairs
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People are like snowflakes. Individually small and ineffective, but if we work together we can make my step dad crash his car into a tree.
I speak four languages
English
Australian
Slang
Typo
What if the 5th dentist was from the future and knew about the long-term tooth damage caused by Trident?
In the middle of an argument, begin calmly folding a blanket if you want the other person to go truly ballistic
Therapist: what’s your biggest fear?
Me: being alone
Therapist [getting tarantula out of box]: guess again idiot
Toy stores should spread the toys out on the floor so you can see them in their natural state and practice stepping on them.
I just want someone to look at me the way my dog looks at a dishwasher full of dirty dishes.
[Post fight interview w/ boxer Joey “poor choice of words” Stevens]
Joey: “I just couldn’t get that guy to go down on me.”
Her: *firing a stun gun at my head*
Me: *screaming* No! I said “I like brain TEASERS”
Following a series of poor personal decisions I now owe the ferret mafia six grand and my only way out is to be the driver for a meat heist planned by a squirrel dragged back in for one last job, assisted by a weasel nobody trusts. Not even the stoat bagman.
It’s like grandma always said…
Make sure you put everything in the medicine cabinet back where you found it or you won’t be invited back.
Shoutout to the wife for stacking her shampoo bottles in the shower like she’s on her last 3 turns on Jenga.
Video games should be banned. My son just threw a turtle shell at a walking mushroom then disappeared down a green tube. Someone call 911.
Never Never Never tell someone you are patient.
They will test you…
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: I was going too fast?
Cop: Yes, you’ll get brain freeze
Me: [eats ice cream slower]
You, idiot: Bill Gates
Me, a genius: Invoice Doors
I don’t know what’s a video game and what’s a movie anymore. I think I was trying to play a movie for a few hours last night.
My version of flirting these days is looking at someone I find attractive, multiple times..
..and hoping that they’re more brave than I am !!
I made a robot to help me argue on the internet
I was at Asda today and a child was misbehaving so his mother pointed at me saying “if you don’t stop he’s gonna take you away” like wtf no im not
A black shape emerges from your attic; all you can see are claws. You’ve made $4000 in 30 minutes working from home, but at what cost?
You get a green perennial vegetable, you get a green perennial vegetable, EVERYBODY GETS GREEN PERENNIAL VEGETABLES!
– Okra
me: a carrot is a crop
friend: yes
me: so *technically* Carrot Top is a crop top
former friend: i suppose
Those gender reveal parties are getting crazier and crazier
OF COURSE I’m not on my first box of Christmas Tree Cakes! ARE YOU NUTS?!… I’m on my second.
Interviewer: What skills can you bring to this company?
Me: I can kill a spider without screaming.
Interviewer: Your office will be next to mine.
Me: What the hell do you want?
Him: Um, YOU called ME.
after i eat lunch there’s a 1-hour window where you can convert me to any religion
if dolly were in the holy bible she’d be in charge of parton the red seas.
Love spending a relaxing Sunday curled up with a good book as it sits next to me untouched while I scroll through twitter for three hours