In the middle of an argument, begin calmly folding a blanket if you want the other person to go truly ballistic
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mom: you’re grounded for today
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[10 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
I just panic bought 7 gallons of wolf urine and I’m not even sorry.
RoboCop: *about to arrest me*
Me: before you arrest me, which of these 9 pictures have cars in them
RoboCop: I’m going to let you off with a warning
me: I always get shy around beautiful women
friend: just tell her
cashier: hi
me: *quiet mumbling*
cashier: what?
me: ᴵ ˢᵃⁱᵈ ᵗʰᵉʳᵉ’ˢ ᵃ ᵈᵉᵃᵈ ᵇᵒᵈʸ ⁱⁿ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵈᵘᵐᵖˢᵗᵉʳ
therapist: What do we say when we want to smile and be happy?
me: Cheese.
therapist: No, that’s for a photo.
me: That’s for everything.
Friend: I got a job as a carpenter, but it sucks.
Me: No prob, just learn a few magic tricks and people will worship you as their savior.
KIDS: trick or treat
ME: hang on guys I’m still setting up the sushi bar. Who likes eel?
Don’t you dare flirt with me.
Yet.
Okay now.
*plane crashes in ocean*
*washes ashore island*
*imprisoned by crabs*
*rises to become Crab Emperor*
*assassinated by most trustworthy crab*
When I eat a rotisserie chicken it scares everyone in the car I’m driving.
“Stop trying to give your words depth and gravitas by attributing them to a faraway old civilization.” – ancient Chinese proverb
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
Sex in movies is so fake because they never show the part where I ask him to stop for a minute because I’m out of shape and out of breath.
[during prison riot]
cellmates: we’re busting out. you coming?
me: *shakes magic 8 ball*
magic 8 ball: ask again later
me: shoot hang on
The purpose of Terrorism is to scare and make people feel unsafe, which is something it has in common with Cable News.
I’m not a helicopter mom.
I’m more of a “come & get me only if there’s blood” kind of mom.
Day 3 in the desert: I have somehow gained the respect of some birds as they are circling above me in some sort of protective formation
I call my nephews “Dude” and “Homie” because I’m the cool Aunt! (I don’t know their names.)
I feel like before a bee stings a human, all his dumb bee friends are like “you can totally take him.”
If Spiderman gets a lady pregnant, does she have 1 baby, or like 10,000?
Cross a mobster in the streets. Horse’s head in the sheets.
Made eye contact with a dude walking his dog while I was taking a sip of water from my bottle. The cap was still on. We both noticed.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
if she’s your girlfriend why does the mere sight of me make her scream “wow” louder than you ever could
(Guy who was trapped in a well for 20 years standing in front of the Get Well Soon cards at the pharmacy, frowning)
Whoever is responsible for “tear here” that doesn’t work, I will find you.
The Matrix described 1999 as the peak of human civilization and I laughed because that would obviously not age well but then the next 23 years happened and now I’m like yeah okay maybe the machines had a point
Can’t. Busy getting sized up for a sister wife by the dude at tractor supply.
Don’t tell me I don’t know anything about love. I just saw them open up a cheesecake sampler at Costco.
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t tripDon’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again– me running up the stairs