Her: Have you seen the salsa?
Me: Yes. I must have left it in the bathroom
Her:
You Might Also Like
[approaches outdoor cafe holding balloon w/face drawn on it]
Hello table for two ple- [large gust carries balloon away] OH NO MY WIFE
Are you even a person if you were born in a generation that isn’t named after a letter?
ME: I need a new phone, this one got wet
VERIZON: How’d you get it wet
ME: I talked dirty to it
HIM: ……
ME: Water asshole. How else?
Cellphones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
I forgot the term “gait” so I said the horse had a nice swagger.
If boarding school taught me anything it’s how to get on planes and trains.
Sure I may be a little nuts, I tell my family, but how boring would our house be if I wasn’t?
*drops trash in front of roomba* eat, little one. save your strength. we ride at dawn
If the prescription has anal leakage as a side effect, I’m not going to be playing nearly as much tennis as the guy in the ads
Just saw a couple jogging together and it inspired me to stay on the Internet
Shortly after firing up my Toro Power Sweep, I begin thinking of myself as a “leaf herder” and realize I need to get out more often.
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE!?” I yell to my husband as I hand him the trash.
Her: “My baby paints with her food because she’s artistic.”
Me: “That or your baby paints with her food because she’s a goddamn baby.”
spouse: what are you doing
me: i’m writing a pilot
spouse: oh that’s so cool 🙂
me: thanks *starts typing* dear han, so who really shot first?
[Shipwreck diary]
Day 1: Luckily the ship has enough food for 3 months. Longer if I ration well.
Day 2: I am out of food.
Me: I know it’s weird but do you wanna see where my dad is buried?
Date: actually, I love graveyards
Me: *flipping on cellar light* graveyards?
ME: [sitting in kitchen writing out bills]
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow tonight.
ME: I’d wait until next week.
Mad Max Arctic Road
[10:06pm]
13: Why is the ceiling in my room white? I feel like I’m staring into blankness when I’m in bed.
Me: Lay on your side and face the painted wall.
13: It sounds like you don’t care about my relaxing process and just want me to go to sleep.
Have you seen that ad where a Google Pixel owner talks about the phone automatically contacting emergency services after his car accident?
You know somebody is going to hit a telephone pole deliberately just to test that out.
When my wife wants my opinion, she’ll give it to me.
Twitter creates a false sense of intimacy because who else spends as much time with you in the bathroom?
even if u realy hate sombody, u shoud never insult their physical apearance!!! bc as soon as u dig deeper u will find much stronger insults
Thinking about this 37 year old baby from a flight safety brochure
he said he hasn’t touched my anti aging serum but one of his palms clearly looks younger than the other
He asked if I was flexible so I sent him a pic of my stretch marks
I couldn’t say no to a double dog dare. How about you? Why did you get arrested?
Me when I’m high: I’ll take seven burritos.
Me when I’m not high: I’ll take seven burritos.
Just stopped myself from thinking about this group of crows I saw last night when I realized that I was contemplating a murder.
She said she was a cat person…
…but the way she reacted when I pushed her off the bed told a very different story.