hey man i’m really worried about you.. your mum said you haven’t been looking after your gutbiome ?
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Daughter: Dad, can I have some Kit Kat for my snack tonight?
Me: Absolutely not
D: Why?
M: Because I said so
D: Because you ate them?
M: Yes
When a kid is mean to my kid…
(what I say): Let’s rise above their anger and show kindness
(what I want to say): MY WRATH WILL SWEEP THEIR FAMILY TREE WITH THE VENGEANCE OF 1,000 SUNS
[bank robbery]
Me: this is a hold up
[later at the police station]
Cop: wait, so you weren’t one of the robbers?
Me: [just likes to say what things are] this is a police station
Moms don’t go on vacation, we just cook and clean in a different house for a week.
I’m implementing a new policy in my house: any child who is awake past bedtime can either go to sleep or clean the oven, no exceptions
App: This app would like to use your location.
Me: NOT NOW I’M SITTIN’ ON THE TOILET!!
If both kids are screaming….
….both kids are alive.
It’s science
A toddler waves his stuffed snow leopard and shouts “tiger!” From my purse, I retrieve my big cat field guide to do the job his parents failed to do.
[bedroom]
Me: I’ve been bad, I need to be punished
Her: *turns tv volume to an odd number*
Me: no please I forgot the safe word
My 3 year old nephew pronounces the letter ‘s’ like ‘d’ and received a very comprehensive lesson on the importance of the number six tonight.
Me: You’re so selfish!
Her: I’m selfless! I spent the last 4 weekends giving back to my community.
Me: Oh Please, that was court-ordered..
I always have a suicide note in my shower so that i wont look stupid if i ever slip and crack my head
*Text alert*
Freddy Krueger: “Hey you up?”
Me: “Yup”
Freddie Krueger: “Damn.😢”
Me: i’m so hungover.
Wife: what do you need?
Me: *groans* some hair of the dog.
Wife: *empties vacuum bag on me*
I don’t know Pete Davidson, but I’ve heard of his dad Harley.
Boxing is like a dance, a dance where you punch your dance partner until he doesn’t want to dance anymore.
Her: Are you getting off early today?
Me: THAT HAPPENED ONE TIME!
£900 pound for an iPhone 6?
Airplane mode better take me on holiday
What did u do last night?
Me: I drowned my swallows in whiskey
Don’t u mean sorrows?
Me [covering tub of dead birds]: is that the saying?
ME [giving a PowerPoint presentation]: *points so hard*
Wiggle is the best of all rooms.
Every new rapture I remember the guy I knew whose parents announced during their weekly family dinner that since he was obviously not getting raptured he could have the house.
4 out of 5 fire departments recommend I get takeout.
“How’s your love life?”
Well, I went on a date. 45 minutes in I realized it was a turtle in a wig.
“I’m sorry man”
it’s ok. still got laid.
Welcome to your late 20’s, you may choose a hobby from the list below.
1. Do Crossfit
2. Make child
i know how hard it must have been for my parents to tell me there was no santa because i just had to tell my parents there’s no jesus
Me: Hi, my name is Ursula and I’ll be your Uber driver.
Patron: Um, why are you wearing a clown mask?
Me: We’ll be making one quick stop.
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH THE SUN
1. I do NOT approve of its plan to consume Earth in 7 billion years. THAT’S WHERE I LIVE
2. Why am I banned from looking at it? I’LL STARE AT THE SUN ANYTIME I WANT
3. STOP STRENGTHENING MY ENEMIES BY GIVING THEM FREE VITAMIN D, YOU STUPID SUN
*puts words between two asterisks*
My hobbies are scrolling through twitter, charging my phone and being generally dissatisfied with things.