Me: I wanna chew the gum
Willy Wonka: No! You’ll turn into a blueberry
M: I’m doing it
W: Don’t
M:
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*on my deathbed*
*groggy, dazed, & delirious*
Me: I wonder if my TC ever really loved me?
Wife: Honey, what’s a TC?
Me: *pulls plug*
*sees a newborn baby*
One day, someone will write mean things about you on the Internet
BRUCE WAYNE: [enters meeting room still wearing Batman cape] what’s first today?
NEW GUY: OMG Bruce Wayne is Bat-
INTERN: [covering new guy’s mouth] we pretend we don’t know
Marriage vows in the future will include things like “During pandemics, I promise not to judge how many glasses of wine you drink.”
The only thing I care about is credits where it says the dog is playing themself
Psychic: *rubbing temples* You want to know if your wife’s trying to murder you
Me: How’d you know?
P: *sees knife in my back* I’m good
Sometimes a man has needs that can’t be fulfilled in the home.
[goes to animal shelter and pets all the cats]
I just washed my car in my driveway and people sped up instead of slowing down.
My daddy always said, life is like a tray of nachos, a big hot mess held together by cheese
Air conditioners are just human refrigerators
I don’t think the lady who just shushed a baby in the library knows how babies work
I tell people that I’m a contact tracer but I’m really just being nosy
One day I’m gonna write a book about a recipe blogger that confesses to murder in every single recipe on their website but they never get caught because no one reads the 12 pages of text before the recipe.
I have way less energy than your average haunted doll.
“You know a lot of people think you built the pyramids”
The alien trying to abduct me:
why do you have so much Mayonnaise in your fridge
the earth is not round nor flat. the earth is chicken tenders
[prison riot]
me: here comes the tickle monster!!
[gets stabbed 100 times]
My wedding didnt even make it into my sister’s instagram september dump but her Starbucks order did
‘Worcestershire’ sounds like the most awful shire a Hobbit could possibly live.
* on a date *
Date: So did you make any New Year Resolutions?
Me: I’m on a diet.
Date: So what will you order for dinner?
Me: Well, I usually get 2 pieces of pizza, but tonight I’ll only order one.
Date: Wow-that’s amazing! You’ve got some will power!
Me:
Usually I have to go faster than 30 for that to happen
What smells better than it tastes?
A nose.
[Beauty and the Beast, Tinder Edition]
BELLE: *swipes left*[credits]
TUPAC IS DEAD
BIGGIE IS DEAD
AND ME ALSO I AM FEELING NOT SO GOOD
Finishing up my time machine. Bolting down the flux capacitor now. I’ll start small and go back a couple of seconds just to see if it works.
[3 days into dieting]
*sees ad for burger & fries*
*drowns in his own saliva*
Wife: It’s fine
*Miles away an old sea captain* My knee is a tingling. Aye a storm is headed this way
I’m getting the sneaking suspicion that my therapist isn’t the one who’s supposed to be crying during our sessions.
*leans in for a kiss*
DENTIST: stop that