If people post just two more scripture quotes on Facebook, I will have officially read the entire bible.
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My wife yelled from upstairs and asked, “Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone’s got a voodoo doll of you and they’re stabbing it?”
I replied “No…”
She responded: “How about now?”
The first rule of Running Late Club is get stuck behind a Prius.
*queen points out window*
“what’s that flashing out the window?”
“Lightning, My Queen”
*car busts thru window*
DID I HEAR LIGHTNING McQUEEN
If someone has a second baby, tell them it is better than the last one.
When I’m horny, I stroll into rooms on all fours, with my ass shaking up in the air, meowing incessantly until someone throws a shoe at me.
Saw a woman on a dating site who says she’s looking for God. I’m thinking she’s not His type.
I punched my monitor
Now my hand Hz.
Frogs always look like they just found out there’s no free Wi-Fi.
[firing squad]
Any last requests?“Here’s my mixtape, if u like it, will u let me live?”
Yes. *listens* Oh man that’s FIRE
*gunshots*
The big twist in GODZILLA VS KONG is they both find out their mother’s name is Mothra
wife: STOP, you’re turning into your father
me: well, he shouldn’t be standing in the driveway like that
[Takes out scrunchie and shakes out my slicked back ponytail] Take the mugshot again.
[waving hands and chasing down ice cream truck] Hey!
“What’ll it be?”
[out of breath] Nothing. Just wanted to tell you I’m vegan
Cops hauled me away for drawing faces on potatoes and makin’ em kiss.
“It’s just too sexy” one cop whispered to me on our way to the jail
Everybody’s an atheist until the final two minutes of a sports game.
I’m gonna create chaos in my neighborhood by putting giant bows on all the cars the night before Christmas.
I’m lost at Costco but everyone here looks like my dad. Just gonna pick the one with the best groceries and start a new life I guess.
A national monument to those brave online heroes who were “First!” in comments.
Imagine if you could do crimes like a corporation. Like they find 20 kids in an underground dungeon in my house and I then pledge to reduce the amount of kids in the dungeon by 2030 and I’m praised for my efforts to get kid dungeons out of my industry
My wife takes 13 bikinis for a 4-day beach trip. Meanwhile, I’m rocking the swimming trunks my mom bought at K-Mart in 1991.
FUN FACT: A collection of Russell Crowe movies is called a murder of movies.
Walmart bathrooms is my favorite place for me to feel like I’m taking a piss on the set of the movie “Saw”
“i absorbed my twin in utero” dont care. not even impressive. i absorbed a guy just last week. fully grown man. had a family. might absorb them too
I got a letter from a bill collector saying this is the last time they will attempt to contact me, so this problem really solved itself
“You run like you’re making fun of running.” -my brother
My gf asked me if I’d continue to love her even after marriage and i said yes.
Then..she got married.
The hardest part of making new friends is weeding out the people who just want to sell you leggings.
taking June’s advice to heart
If a burglar broke in, my dog would lick their face. But bubbles, on the other hand…
Me: who is your favourite spice girl?
Guy On The Subway: paprika and I’m a man